The Weekend Week’s End Wrap Up in pop culture drama-rama for November 15-21 is brought to you by Michael Jackson’s sparkly spangly glove which sold for more money that you’ve ever heard of.

Sunday: This didn’t happen until the 21st, but it’s my favorite story of the week and also Sunday is God’s day (That’s the Jesus-God, not the other ones). Pope “The Pope” Benedict XVI invited hundreds of artists, masters and craftsmen of all media except photography, pottery, screen printing, animation, 3D and digital design, fiber arts, sequential art and illustration, fashion design, metal and jewelry design, and graphic design, to attend a speech at the Sistine Chapel. The Pope said he would like to “renew the Church’s friendship with the world of art,” and urged all artists* to put a sense of spirituality in to their work, citing contemporary aesthetics as “illusory and deceitful.” To hold this meeting under the machismo that is Michelangelo’s ceiling fresco** is a total tease to the art world. Hey, Holy See, none of us are working. You have all the money. Start building some chapels. Don’t the cardinals need some new basilicas? You got any bell towers in the works that could use some statuary? Does that ceiling need touched up at all? It can be just like the old days. Like, the really, really old days. We’ll rediscover perspective if you want! Give us some jobs!***

Monday: Hey, did I tell you guys I got swine flu? Well, I did, and it was terrible. For two days. Here’s how swine flu works. First you have the worst headache you’ve ever had in your life. Then you feel better. Then you wake up and your lungs feel like they are filled with fiberglass. And you can’t breathe because your head is filled with angry bees and they are stinging your eyeballs and ear drums. And then you get a fever and feel like you are going to absolutely die because there is no possible way a human can deal with this. Then the fever breaks and everything is fine and you have a really bad cough for like a week. So that was cool.

Tuesday: Adam Lambert, the runner up on last season’s American Idol, and my personal new celebrity boifriend, is finally featured on the cover of Out magazine. It’s a gay magazine, in case that wasn’t incredibly obvious. Oh, and Adam Lambert is also gay. That was already obvious. I say “finally,” because Lambert’s label would not allow him to be featured previously on the cover of the mag. According to the Editor-in-Chief Aaron Hicklin, “it’s only because this cover is a group shot that includes a straight woman that your(Adam’s) team would allow you to be photographed at all — albeit with the caveat that we must avoid making you look ‘too gay.’ ” Following the advice of upstanding citizen and master of good judgment Gene Simmons, no one thinks an openly fabulishious performer will sell records. Adam, baby, put on an extra coat of eye liner, unbutton your shirt a little more, kiss that drag queen a few more times, and pose your little heart out. You’re here, you’re really queer, and they need to get used to it.

Wednesday: Evangelical Christians from the Living Waters Church (Publications? LLC? Couldn’t really figure it out. Also, I’m pretty sure “living water” is a term homeopaths use to describe drinking urine. Not that I’m poisoning the well here…) decided to… protest.. Charles Darwin, somehow, by handing out copies of “On the Origin of Species.” Except for the 50-page forward written by Ray Comfort (yes, really), founder of Living Waters, nothing in the book has been changed. Darwin’s work has not been commented on or modified in any way. 2009 has marked the celebration of Darwin’s 200th birthday, and next week will celebrate the 150th anniversary of the first publication of “On the Origin of Species.” I’m not exactly sure how this is supposed to encourage people to disprove evolution, but I would sure like a nice free copy of this book.****

Thursday: Nobel Peace Prize winner Mr. Al Gore, Former Vice President of the United States, appeared on the hit NBC show 30 Rock. The Academy award winning director and author played himself in a hilarious self-mocking bit in which he discusses “going green” with TGS assistant Kenneth. Go watch it.

Friday: “On Friday, ‘New Moon’ set an all-time domestic high for opening day with $72.7 million, topping the previous record of $67.2 million by last year’s ‘The Dark Knight.’” REALLY? Who are these people that like non-violent, non-scary, non-bloody vampires? WHO? That’s all vampires are for! They are dead and gory and scary and stalk you in the night and kill you or turn you in to an undead monster-creep and then people try to pelt you with Communion wafers or rip out your organs and cut off your head. Oh, and going outside in daylight makes vampires burn to death. Not sparkle. VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE. Don’t even get me started on the hell-beasts that werewolves are supposed to be.

Saturday: MJ’s ridiculous (come on, we can say that now, right? It was dumb. It was garish, it was crazy gay, except not in a fabulous way, but in a way-too-many-rhinestones-for-human-eyes way) glove, that he wore at the debut of his moonwalk in ‘83, sold for… hold on a second here… oh, right, “for $350,000 — plus tax — on Saturday. Winning bidder Hoffman Ma of Hong Kong will pay $420,000, including taxes and fees, for the rhinestone-studded, modified golf glove Jackson wore on his left hand for his moonwalk on Motown’s 25th anniversary TV special.” (AP). See all that detail there for no reason? That’s the joke.

*Painters and sculptors. Because that’s all the art that the Church ever needed. Way to step all the way in to the late 18th century there, Vatican.

**For real, that dude could not paint women. Check out some of those Sibyls. They’re like Roman soldiers with grapefruits stuffed in their shirts.

*** My fellow art grad Ned: “The Catholic Church funding art again is going to be like when I was a kid and went to Hershey Park’s Christmas thing, and then years later I wondered why I hadn’t done it in a while and went back and it wasn’t so great.”

****NOTE: Much of Darwin’s findings from 1859 have been modified, discarded, expanded upon, or otherwise changed in the intervening century and a half. Creationists like to say that this PROVES Darwin was “wrong.” Just like how Mendeleev was wrong because he hadn’t discovered all of the elements before he published his Periodic Table. Just like Babbage’s difference engine was useless because it didn’t pick up Wi-Fi.

The Weekend Week’s End Wrap Up for April 19-25 is brought to you by laundry day
Sunday: An as yet unidentified toxic reaction to tainted feed or supplements killed 21 polo ponies shortly before they were to play in the US Open Tournament in Wellington, FL. “State veterinarians were still performing necropsies but suspect the horses — all from the Venezuelan-owned team Lechuza Polo — died from heart failure.” I know they were all over 14 hands high, but there is something so much more tragic about the deaths of 21 ponies. And as these horses were all worth somewhere around $200,000 each, somebody is going to get the chair for this one.

Monday: The debris is still being cleared from L’Aquila, Italy after the earthquake earlier this month, and already the mafia is getting in on the action. With billions of dollars on the line for new construction, Naples officials are concerned that the Camorra family may cash in. “The crime clans have many connections to cement companies, debris-removal outfits and other businesses which could infiltrate the reconstruction process if authorities aren’t vigilant.” With thousands of people injured and far more left without shelter, I’ve gotta tell ya’ Italy, I got this buddy over in construction, right, and he could have this lil problem fixed up real nice by next Thursday. I’ll git my associates on the phone for ya’.

Tuesday: UNESCO and the Library of Congress launched the World Digital Library (http://www.wdl.org/en/) , and it is the coolest thing ever. “The World Digital Library (WDL) makes available on the Internet, free of charge and in multilingual format, significant primary materials from countries and cultures around the world.” Ever wanted to see 4000 year old Oracle bones? Or an 1898 recording of La Marsellaise? How about a map of Antarctica made in 1909? It’s all here, and it’s awesome.

Wednesday: SPACE BLOB!! Scientists looking through their way-back machine at the early universe found something from when the universe was 800,000 years old. That’s 13 billion and some years ago for the science literate, and about 793,991 years from today for the Bible-based. This thing is as big as the Milky Way and emitting radiation. “Scientists don’t even know what to call it. So they just called it a radiation-emitting “blob.” They used that horror-film staple 34 times in their peer-reviewed study, which will be published in next month’s edition of the Astrophysical Journal. More formally, they named it Himiko, after a legendary ancient Japanese queen.” That’s boring. Don’t worry, I already called them and asked them to name it Stephen Colbert.

Thursday: Brian Alexander’s new book “America Unzipped” does pretty much exactly what Mary Roach did with “Bonk” only instead of looking at science, he talks about vaginas with teeth. He dedicates a chapter to sexual myths throughout history, and thankfully for all of us, the vagina dentate was one of them. My favorite: “When mechanical sewing machines arrived, a few lucky women using a model with two foot pedals found that by rubbing their thighs together, they could reach orgasm, which could certainly make working in a garment factory a little more fun, but it also posed a danger. ‘Doctors thought all sewing machines were bad for women,’ Maines explained. ‘They thought the women would turn into lesbians.’”

Friday: Octomom was a stripper, and her dancing name was Angelina. ““’ met her at an amateur contest, and we wound up doing parties together,’ a stripper called “Sage” told In Touch Weekly. ‘She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.’” Suleman (that’s her name, you know) claims to not remember the details of her days as an exotic entertainer, probably because of al the coke and whatever.

Saturday: No one go outside!! Swine flu!! With 86 people dead in Mexico and 20 confirmed cases in the US, we have official declared a “Health Emergency.” Cases are being reported from Canada to New Zealand. No one is safe!! Except, you know, just about everyone is probably pretty safe. Remember when we were all going to get bird flu? And SARS? And Spanish Influenza? Thank god all those blew over.