This is not a post that the intended target will ever read. However, I need to get this out and since I have the bully pulpit here at Wetwired, this is where I’ll do it.

Durng the day on Tuesday, I received a text from my father asking to call him back. When I did, I found out that a dear friend of the family had passed away. This woman had grown up with my grandmother, had helped raise my father and his siblings and helped raise my generation as well. She was someone I’d only seen a few times in the last ten years, due to many reasons not the least of which would be me moving away from Louisiana in 2001.

Then, I found out the other part of this news. She had died last Monday- as in January 18th, 2009.

We (my family) had not been told about her death, nor of her illness for the past two months from liver cancer. We had no idea she was deathly sick, and my father and I had bandied about the idea of seeing her while I was in Louisiana but held off because of time.

My immediate reaction upon learning of her death was mild surprise. She was old, and had a horrible run of years since her daughter died in 1995. Since then she also had lost her son, lost her entire life savings in a bitter custody battle with her daughter’s ex over the grandchild that turned into a convict and drunk, lost her husband to cancer 5 years ago and was reduced to living in a trailer with the grandson, his girlfriend/babymomma and her late husband’s sister. Immediately, m thought was that her heart had finally had all it could take and she’d passed away in something sudden.

When I found out it was cancer, and that it had been diagnosed three months ago and that she’d kept the news from us deliberately, my surprise went to hurt and anger.

The worst part was that we found out from another friend of the family, who’d asked my brother what was to be done with her body. My brother called my father (the two are not on speaking terms due to matters of the past), to find out what had happened. This was how my father found out about the death of a loved one.

I got the call about 6 this evening, and after about an hour of being furious I finally figured out WHY I was so angry.

We’d been cheated. Cheated out of many things, the biggest of which was the chance to say goodbye to someone so important to our lives. We had been cheated out of the chance to tell her we loved her, even when we didn’t talk after the accident, even when she chose my dad’s side over ours, even after the pain and everything else- we loved her.

We had been cheated out of taking part in her memorializing, and the choice of being there for the ones who had lost the matriarch.

My grandmother had been cheated out of the chance to tell the woman she’d known since she was 4 days old one last good bye.

It was all hitting me at once, these thoughts. Once I realized what I was angry about, I called my father back and told him that if they truly did not want our thoughts, prayers and assistance at this point that I was not inclined to give them.

Betty will be fine, now. She is back with her son, daughter and husband after a generation of pain and suffering. She’s at rest, and deserves it.

Her grandson… to hell with him.

I know this is harsh, but it hurts that we were cut out like this. I had made my peace with her a few years ago, and I kept up through my father. To hear him so hurt today about the entire ordeal sickened me, and I had to get this out. Make of it what you will, I guess.

Out.

I never sleep well during the day on Monday.

It’s become a private joke to me. Since I work all night and have for ages, one would think that I have gotten used to sleeping during the day. One would, naturally, think that my biological clock has adjusted.

One would, of course, be full of shit.

I never sleep well during the day. Hell, note the time of this post- 2:30ish in the afternoon. I don’t work until 9 tonight.

Thus, I am screwed. I can (and will) try to get some more sleep, butmost likely it’ll be a fitful attempt to sleep followed by me bitching inbetween efforts to fight sleep tonight.

Mondays are the worst. Thanks to sleeping during the night Saturday night (even though I try to stay up as late as possible) my Sunday is tough to sleep through. When I wake up in the early afternoon on Monday, I’m NOT EVEN CLOSE to rested.

I’m gonna try to get back to sleep now. Hopefully, now that I’ve pulled you into this suckfest of sleeplessness I can get some rest.

Out.

As I sit here, it’s about 7:30 at night here in Baton Rouge.

I got here about a week and a half ago, before the ungodly snow that hit The OKC last week. It’s a relaxing trip so far, save for the fact that it’s bloody cold out here.

See, I’m typing this from my sister’s home right outside, where I’m overseeing a barbecue pit grilling shrimp. My brother-in-law decided he wanted to try something special while I’m here.

Meanwhile, I spent a great week with the old man, enjoying the time away from everything. Christmas even turned out okay, even though I’d been up for over two days by the time it was all set and done.

I saw an awesome movie today (The Blind Side- seriously, go check it out. Great movie) and I’ll likely see another one tomorrow while I’m shopping for gifts. Thanks to our schedules on the big day, my family does Christmas at a later date- and as someone who gets to take advantage of the post day shopping deals,, I ain’t complaining.

Oh, and I get to hang out this week again with a couple of our writers located here in LA.

So, all in all it’s a good time. I can’t complain, and for once I ain’t even going to try.

Enjoy this time of year, folks. Best advice I can give you.

Out.

I leave here in 3 days.

In and of itself, I suppose it’s time. I’m ready to get home, and yet I don’t want to leave either. I’ve enjoyed my time here immensely. I’ve met some new friends, been to wonderful places, enjoyed excellent food and in general had a blast.

I return home Monday morning, landing in The OKC Monday evening (thanks to the way time works with return flights). I go back to work Wednesday night, working through the 4th. I’d have liked to have a little vacation before starting up again, but that won’t be possible.

I’ll post one last time before I leave, but until then I have a day and a half left in the office here and a weekend to prep for return.

Truly, not enough time.

One last note- for Chrissakes, can we please return to some comedy on the site every once and a while? My lord, I leave the country for two months and everyone gets all serious and junk.

In fact, I feel the need to do something goofy and foolish just to change the tone a bit.

(pfffffft)

Right there? Just farted.

Now, TELL ME that doesn’t make you giggle a little bit.

Out.

I’ve been told that inevitably, no matter where you’re sent for The Job, eventually the question comes up.

“Could you see yourself living here, man?”

…

Today, it came up indirectly. We were walking through a local mall, and someone handed out flyers for a condominium being built. We saw the price, and someone mentioned that they could move here in a heartbeat. I was then asked the question listed above.

My initial answer, of course is “no.” I mean, let’s face it- this is a wonderful place to be. However, for me to want to move here I’d have to make at least what I’m making now if not a considerable amount more.

That’s when a coworker advised he’d looked into it, and that the company would pay the same amount I make plus money for being an American working for the company in a global remote location, plus a pay bump for the inconvenience of being out of the country for so long.

…

Looking at it from that perspective, the question becomes “could I live so far away from everything I have become accustomed to and love about America, including my family?”

That’s the question that right now, I couldn’t answer either way. I think I would have to return to the USA for a while before that sort of question was answerable. So right now, I’m not looking to move here any time soon.

In the future… well, we’ll see.

Out.

“Everyone I grew up with seems to have kids or is having a kid. Or is gay.”

Admittedly, that last one is for a guy I went to school with who was apparently closeted until after high school.

Doing some searching for people on Facebook tonight, I can’t tell you how many people I found that I knew where their facebook picture was of their kid, or of them posing with their kid. Or in one case, with their lover.

I’m 30 years old, I’m single and I’ve lived in three places for most of that time. Most of the peeps I grew up with stayed in Baton Rouge, got married and had kids. A small number of us are still single, myself and Beerslinger come to mind. Everyone else seems to be in that bebby-making mindset.

And it’s not as if I am particularly FOND of kids, either. I’m uncomfortable around children, most of the time. I’m aware that they’re smarter than they seem most of the time, and as such I don’t like being on a playing field where I don’t know my enemy well enough.

(Great. I just compared children to enemy combatants. Nah, no issues there.)

I dunno, maybe when I am with someone I’m close enough to discuss it with in a serious way then I may feel differently. For now though, I’m a single straight guy in a family world.

This also kinda sucks.

Out.

“I have no childhood friends.”

I was on the internet a few minutes ago, looking up a name that popped into my head after about ten years (which was remembered because of a tv show I was watching online). I then looked up her sister, a girl I’d gone to school with at the same time- and her, I found on facebook.

This woman is now married, and has friends that I also went to school with- again, all married.

That’s when it hit me. I hadn’t kept up with any of these people since high school at best. My best friend, I met when I was 16. The friends I grew up with were more friends of my siblings and I was the tag-along who eventually became friends. Most of the people I grew up with, I haven’t seen in years.

I haven’t kept any close friends since grade school. I’ve kept a few friends since high school, and most people I consider friends I met in my twenties.

I think part of it is that I don’t exactly look back on growing up all that fondly. I didn’t really like myself until high school, and that’s the period of time I most enjoyed growing up. So, I guess that’s where it comes from.

But yeah, no childhood friends. That kinda sucks.

Out.

So, I fly out in 2.5 days. By this point on Thursday, I’ll be somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.

If I said that I wasn’t a bit nervous about the trip, I’d be lying. Two months in a foreign country when I haven’t spent day one outside the US in my life… yeah, that’s a bit daunting.

I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m going for business, not for military purposes or anything like that. I’m admittedly not that brave a man, so being there within the comfort of a corporate dynamic is much better.

I’ve got everything prepared at this point, save for finishing the packing. I also have to go to the store and get toiletries and a water filter bottle for while I’m there. Other than that, my plan is set.

I’ll update again before I head out. We’ll see how this goes, folks.

Out.

I have a friend I’ve known for 15 years, since we met at a camp back in high school. We’ve known each other through many highs and lows. She’s a schoolteacher now in North Carolina and I consider her to be a good friend, though not one of my closest friends. An unfortunate side effect of time and distance, I’m afraid.

Today, I found out she’s a published author.

She went to LSU, and during her time there she wrote multiple papers that today are referenced in multiple college books and publications. She’s managed, through hard work, to do something that I’ve wanted to do for ages and always pussed out on- she got published.

I’ve considered writing for this blog to be training of sorts, for the day when I eventually sack up and write the novel I’ve always had in mind. Seeing that a friend of mine has not only written something that has been published but is now considered an authority enough to be used for others to study, has inspired me.

Thanks, Misti. You finally might have managed to kick this particular ass into gear.

Out.

It isn’t often that I can be truly surprised by something Beerslinger does these days. We’ve known each other over 15 years now, and as such there are few real secrets between us. I am often impressed by his actions and the man he’s become, but rarely does he still do something that, upon looking back, I could say I didn’t see coming.

Well… that is, until I looked at his music library.

I mean, there are certain things that didn’t surprise me- some cajun music (based on a long-ago conversation regarding Jo-el Sonnier), a LOT of blues and blues rock (dude has a better collection of Stevie Ray Vaughn than I do), a lot of Van Morrison, and some edgier rock and such.

Then, there are the things that I just didn’t see coming at all. The country music, for example. Despite everything I’ve known about the boy, I never once pictured him as a country fan. Nor, for that matter, did I see him as being a big fan of Billy Joel.

I suppose, as I write this, I shouldn’t be surprised. Music is something for which a person’s tastes can be varied, a fact I learned after I found a Rod Stewart tape in my dad’s truck. (I swear, I didn’t even think he knew who that was.) Hell, my own tastes range from classical to classic rock, from light smatterings of country western (and countrypolitan, oddly enough from my youth in the 80s) to heavy doses of 80s pop. There’s a few areas of music that I do not enjoy (rap has always and will always elude me as a perceived viable form of art), but overall I tend to be pretty easygoing when it comes to music.

So, I guess the boy can surprise me still. I think that’s a good thing, to be honest. After all, he and I probably have a good 40-50 years of brotherhood ahead of us. I’d hate to think it’d be boring along the way.

Out.

Work is somewhat important to me.

I don’t know when I developed a work ethic, but since I’ve been at The Job I’ve become something of a workaholic. It’s all I do. When I’m not at work, I am able to relax and decompress. However, when I am at work it becomes easy for me to get lost in it.

Working from home, as I do now, has surprisingly not affected the ability to break away from the job at the end of my shift. I had expected that I wouldn’t be able to “turn it off” as easily, but instead I find that once I turn off my computer I turn off work- that’s replaced the previous switch-off mechanism of taking my badge off in my car.

There are, however, times when work gets to me and stays with me even after the mental switch. This happened recently, with a business dealing that went poorly. Afterwards, I needed to get away from The Job for a bit and relax.

Three days later, I was doing just that.

The plane flight was relatively cheap, given the current economy as well as the short timeframe for getting the ticket. The rental car was more expensive, but reasonable. Within two days of deciding to go on a trip, I was in Baton Rouge.

Normally, I’d drive the trip- however, this was a week of vacation and I didn’t want to spend an additional 20 hours of time driving. (To be honest, the extra expense was worth it for the 12 hours extra I got back.) I left my work notebook at home, kept the MacBook sitting by the bed but mostly turned off, and tuned out from the world outside the immediate area.

Truth be told, it was well worth it. There was some bad weather the first few days I was there, but the skies cleared up later on. I ended up coming in on the weekend of a friend’s bachelor party, and much merriment was made. I got to see some old friends I hadn’t seen in ages, as well as a woman who was something of a bitch to me as kids, and who grew up to be, well… stil kind of a bitch. Karma caught up to her though, as her saggy ass and extra chin space can attest.

Mostly, I was able to relax.

I’d forgotten what that was like, to be honest. I’ve spent most of my trips worrying about something at work. After a couple of calls early on, I rarely dealt with any work stuff at all afterwards. This time, I was able to really put most of The OKC behind me for a few days and just decompress completely.

This is not, however, to say that work didn’t try to intrude on my week. Friday night, I received notification that I would be doing a special project for work and my boss, forgetting that I was out of town, asked me to come in on Monday. (My flight home was Tuesday morning.) A couple calls later, that was resolved. I did have to spend about 30 minutes filling out some info this weekend but afterwards, there were no more intrusions.

You might ask why I chose to tune out the Internet as well. After all, on previous vacations I would post updates. This time, though, I decided not to do that. As I said, I wanted to relax. That meant checking email once every couple of days rather than constantly, tuning out the news, and hanging out with family and friends. I spend too much time in front of a monitor as it is. This was a chance to break away from that.

Beerslinger told me an anecdote while I was down south, about expense versus investment. In the end, this trip was an investment. I feel relaxed tonight, and somewhat refreshed. It’s a good feeling.

Out.

I have had a great day today… mostly.

I know… shocker, right?

The day actually started around 4:30 PM Christmas Eve. I had to work last night, and as such I haven’t been to bed since then.

I’ve been to three different houses, ate dinner earlier today and haven’t eaten since then. I’m exhausted, I haven’t slept in 27 1/2 hours and I shouldn’t be on the road.

This, of course, is when I get the call from my brother. “Hey, what’re you up to?”

I say that we’re relaxing, that I’m hanging with my sister and her family. “Oh, cool. Well, why don’t you let them be for a while and come over and bring me a bowl of gumbo?”

Not “Hey, let’s hang out for a bit while you’re in town.” No, of course not. He wanted me to get on the road and bring him food.

My sister, overhearing this, told me to relay the following message: “Get your ass over here and come eat with us.”

Undaunted, my brother tried again to get me to bring him food. I told him I wasn’t comfortable being on the road, and that I hadn’t slept last night.

His response? “Well, that’s not my fault. Come on man, just bring some food over. I’m not gonna ask again.”

Ohhhhh, THAT pissed me off.

I told him to come over again, since we wanted him to do so.

He then played the guilt card, saying not to worry about it and that he’d eat a ham sandwich for his Christmas dinner. His tone, naturally, was meant to get me to feel bad that I didn’t risk crashing my car just to give him a bowl of gumbo.

…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Oh, that did it. My brother has long been a self-centered asshole. I know this already. But that he was willing to have me get out on the road just to placate this unwillingness to eat something simple?

Screw THAT. My brother and I never get along very well, but after that I don’t particularly care about trying for a while.

Out.

(Note: Any posts titled “State of Mind” from here on out will be posts on personal stuff or something that is about my life in general. Keep that in mind when you read them, or you can skip them altogether.)

I had my performance review the other day.

 I’ve been up here in The OKC now for 14 months, and I can’t say that all of them were shining examples of how my life could be excellent. Truth be told… a lot of it sucked.

It took me 8 months in fact to realize this, and that it was my own damned fault that this was the case. This is in fact why my midyear review was less than stellar.

The irony, of course, was that once I figured this out and once I got past the personal crapfest I was putting myself through (lest we forget the whole “Finley falls in love” debacle), things came together for me. I found myself at peace with my job, the people around me- including the girl in question, and myself.

So, the past 6 months have been much better. I am enjoying my time here a lot more, I’ve started being much more social, my career has flourished and I’m a lot happier. Not only that, but I’m even really good friends with the girl whom I accepted would be nothing more than a friend. By the by, if you can get to that level with someone you’re doing pretty damned good.

This led to the past two weeks, basically. It started with me looking for a new position. I found something here in The OKC that was a use of my previous job experience, and I applied. While doing so, I also looked at moving up in my own organization. Finally, I began training up here for a site conversion we’re undergoing.I’ve now had four interviews, three of which are for the job I applied for outside of my department. I had a really good interview with the manager in my department. It culminated with the best review I’ve had in years, with a very nice raise and the best bonus I’ll have ever received here at the Job.

And to think… all of this started because six months ago someone told me I needed to find what made me happy.

I’ve referred to my state of contentment as “the theoretical happy” a few times before with some friends up here. I call it this because of two reasons. Number one, as I kept myself unhappy for many years I had a little trouble providing myself with a frame of reference. When one wears discontent like a warm blanket for too long, it’s tough to get out of it. Number two, I call it this because for a while, I worried slightly that this new mindframe wouldn’t last.

I mean, this is me we’re talking about here. I kinda have a reputation for being miserable.

That being said, I found after a while that I wasn’t really getting unhappy. Oh, there are days where I’m not in as good a mood as I’d prefer. After all, I’m still human. But, there isn’t a continuous level of discontent coursing through my veins. I’m not living for the moodiness anymore.

Naturally, this scares the crap out of me.

Are you surprised? I mean, when one gets so used to a certain frame of reference the opposite frame of reference can throw that person. I found myself… smiling more. I was more pleasant to talk to, and I enjoyed more conversation and discourse. Hell, I was even fun to be around.

The really wierd part is, this started to show in the rest of my interactions with people. Things that used to bug me didn’t really bother me anymore. People that were waiting months for the other shoe to drop and for me to return to form found themselves getting used to this new outlook. Oh, I’d still get pissed if someone pushed the right buttons. The difference was, those buttons were far harder to push now.

And so, I find myself now where the theoretical happy is no longer theoretical. I’m happy, and it’s been that way for a while. I’m judging from other experiences that this is a good thing. Would I be happier in Austin were I still there?

Here’s the irony, folks- probably not.

Oh, I’d be okay to be sure. I’d just not have had the experiences required for me to change my outlook so drasticaly as I have. I still want to get back to Austin as soon as it makes sense- that has not, and will not change. I just know that being here was a necessary step for me and I’m not as regretful about moving here as I was at one time.

Now, I can return to Austin a more complete person. I’m really, finally ready to find that person who will complement my life in the way that many of us long for, and I know I haven’t met her yet.

I have a year to go before I can be back at the earliest. I’ll be ready.

Out.

[ratings] 

It’s odd, when one notes the passing of an event or anniversary with little-to-no fanfare.

Friday was the anniversary of me making the move to Oklahoma City. A year ago this time, I was in a hotel room awaiting the chance to move into my apartment. It was frozen over outside, and would remain so for several days.

It’s been a year of change for me, moreso than usual in fact. I’ve become a happier person, but went through some serious heartache to get there. I finally have some closure on a bit of personal strife, and it took physical distance from the situation to finally achieve such. It was the year in which I’ve made the most money in a twelve month period ever.

It’s also been a year of me finally, finally letting go of the little things. You know, the little things that would build up and eventually ruin any chance of a good mood on my part. Learning to let go and finally just let myself be happy has been huge.

Physically, it’s been a year of change as well. I’ve lost 55 pounds since my heaviest weight. I’m wearing sizes that I haven’t worn since high school. That’s pretty nice, to be honest.

All in all, things are actually good right now. One year in, and I’m doing alright.

There is still that overwhelming desire to return to Austin, no doubt. I want to be there badly- but on my terms.I need to know that my return to Austin will be one of triumph, not one of failure or giving up what I have careerwise.

There’s also the idea of moving on. In this case, it’s moving on from so many things that have kept me depressed for so long. Family issues, the pain of unreturned feelings, and just finally letting go of private, unreasonable guilt I’ve held onto for so long. I’ve finally learned how to move on and let go of things, and to let my guard down a bit.

It’s funny, really. I came here to advance my career. I found so many other things, that despite my desire to leave I’m glad I came here.

Out.

Still haven’t forgotten, sir. Hope you’re sitting back in a chair somewhere looking down towards us, seeing what we’ve done in the past two years and having a grand old time.

Out.