The Weekend Week’s End Wrap Up for October 18-24 is brought to you by completely true, nice and accurate reporting of actual events.
Sunday: A young boy took flight in his family’s experimental balloon. It was experimental in that it looked sort of like Jiffy Pop except it could fly and also may have been used to inspect tornadoes eventually because that is the kind of thing the Henne’s do for family time. The whole bit about flying popcorn, though, was the real reason the 6-year-old, 48lbs. Colorado boy hid inside of a basket attached to a 20ft mylar balloon. If the Henne family already looked familiar before they went on TV to report that their boy was making a major Wizard of Oz escape, it is because they have appeared twice already on the ever popular ABC docudrama “Wife Swap.” Falcon “Yes, his name is Falcon,” Henne was found in his attic, which is not, in fact, suspended from a Mylar balloon.
Monday: From Reuters and Fox News: “ Scientists claim the giant atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is being jinxed from the future to save the world. In a bizarre sci-fi theory, Danish physicist Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya from Japan claim nature is trying to prevent the LHC from finding the elusive Higgs boson. Called the “God particle,” the theoretical boson could explain the origins of mass in the universe — if physicists can find the darn thing. The scientists say their math proves nature will “ripple backward through time” to stop the LHC before it can create the God particle, like a time traveller who goes back in time to kill his grandfather. “One could even almost say that we have a model for God,” Dr Nielsen says in an unpublished essay. “He rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them.” “While it is a paradox to go back in time and kill your grandfather, physicists agree there is no paradox if you go back in time and save him from being hit by a bus,” Dannis Overbye wrote in the New York Times. “In the case of the Higgs and the collider, it is as if something is going back in time to keep the universe from being hit by a bus.” “It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr Nielsen told the New York Times. “
Tuesday: From the Associated Press, “MEXICO CITY – Apolinario Chile Pixtun is tired of being bombarded with frantic questions about the Mayan calendar supposedly ‘running out’ on Dec. 21, 2012. After all, it’s not the end of the world. Or is it? Definitely not, the Mayan elder insists. ‘I came back from England last year and, man, they had me fed up with this stuff.’ “ Clearly, this is meant to distract us Westerners from the real Mayan communications with Atlanteans and Martians in their plan to turn Jupiter into a new Sun and to move to Europa and Io, to save themselves from the asteroid impact, solar flares, magnetic pole shifts, super volcanoes, and John Cusack movies coming to destroy the world in the next three years.
Wednesday: As we all know from the Twitter Trending Topics side bar, Kanye West (RIP) died in a tragic death when his platinum diamond-studded Escalade careened off the side of the road into a cornfield because he and his driver were both stricken with simultaneous heart attacks. Desperate to exit the vehicle in the hopes that a news camera might be waiting outside to capture his final, remarkable and world-changing words, Mr. West lashed so violently that he caused the entire truck to flip on to its side and burst in to flames. Witnesses claimed to see the image of Kanye West as an angel, a la his mural featured on MTV Cribs, in the rising smoke.
Thursday: I don’t know if I read this article correctly, but it appears that a University of Yorkshire study found that copper and/or magnetic bracelets are totally useful in giving the wearer a general feeling of lightness. Or it cured arthritis, but only in wrists and probably not really in knees, though a lot of people wearing the bracelets said their knees felt better because they KNEW the bracelets made theirs knees feel better. No one in the study felt strongly enough about the bracelets to discontinue their arthritis medication, but they said they took the pills mostly for the placebo effect.
Friday: Mole day! Which, according to both Wikipedia and my 10th grade chemistry teacher, is “an unofficial holiday celebrated among chemists in North America on October 23, between 6:02 AM and 6:02 PM[1], making the date 6:02 10/23 in the American style of writing dates. The time and date are derived from the Avogadro constant, which is approximately 6.02×1023, defining the number of particles (atoms or molecules) in a mole, one of the seven base SI units.” Which is pretty cool and also the most useful information in this wrap up.
Saturday: Obama does not want to shut down Fox news. He does, however, want to shut down our comment war regarding his wanting to shut down Fox news because WetWired.org is currently getting more attention than the actual Fox news website, which really cuts down on the attention being given to his fake media war to distract everyone from the fact that he is a Reptoid. He told me so in his weekly email he sends me to keep me up to date on the AGENDA and also how the last Dan Brown novel ended.