This was originally an 800-word-plus article on intelligent design. I had given it great thought, depth and had considered my words carefully.

It is now a 185-word article on me hating this goddamned Macbook. See, as I finished typing up the article in Wordpress my Macbook’s touchpad decided it would act on its own and erase every single fucking word I had written.

EVERY. FUCKING. WORD.

When I then tried to pull up the draft I had written that had been saved, Wordpress then decided that it would save the now-deleted article as it was. That was the letter “t.”

Apple, I’m THIS FUCKING CLOSE to putting this thing up for sale and getting rid of your precious OS and system and buying a notebook that has an OS that DOESN’T give me grief. I had worked on that article for ALMOST TWO HOURS before your shitty touchpad decided to take a dump on me- again. If this kind of shit keeps happening, I’m gonna need a reason why I shouldn’t drop-kick this baby onto eBay and get my money back.

Fucking Mac OS.

Out.

Ok, so I was having lunch with a friend the other day and the topic turned to the impending yearly masochistic crap fest that is Christmas. All this time I thought I was the only one that loathed this time of year, but as it turns out, there are others among us. So, I’m sending up a signal flare, a rallying sign to call the others out of the closet to speak with one voice and say: “We may not have a choice, but damn it, we drink this eggnog with ill-disguised quiet disdain.”

Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I like about Christmas: caroling, chocolates and turkey to name but a few, but there is evil in this seeming banality. So for your pleasure I submit my MASTER LIST of the top things I hate about Christmas.

1) Buying Presents. Let me be specific: it’s not that I dislike spending money on the people that I care about, but there is this second idea that the present you buy must embody everything you feel about that person and if that isn’t pressure I don’t know what is. I don’t have enough time, energy or brain power left in me to come up with THE ONE gift that defines my love for you, so I hope you like the toaster you’re getting.
2) Receiving Presents. On the flip side of this, I don’t want my friends to waste their time, and energy trying to find that perfect present for me. I tell them every year, if you really feel the need to get me something, get me a bottle of whisky or a good book. Invariably I get a toaster. And then, I have to look happy about it. “No, seriously, this is the EXACT model toaster I’ve always wanted. Or at least it was until you gave me one last year…”
3) Egg Nog. This should go without the need for discussion.
4) My Grandmothers. Yes, I’m probably going straight to hell for not liking my grandmothers, but never the less hate rears its wrinkly bald head. Never in my life have I met two women more bitter, punishing or judgmental than these two. No interface that they have ever had with me has ever shown any affection what so ever, and in the end I just stop feeling like a productive member of society. Honest to god, my brain doesn’t even process the words anymore, it just translates them as “blah blah blah, you’re not good enough, blah blah, you never will be”. And Christmas is the joyous time when I have no choice but to spend time with them to keep the family peace. Ba rump ba bum bum…
5) Egg Nog. Ok, maybe it does deserve an explanation, it’s 30 proof snot people! Stop drinking it!
6) Christmas trees. They are a bitch to set up, serve no real purpose and shed. It’s like a prickley haired pet sans the unconditional love. Here’s a hint, if you only decorate one side, it tips over, really. Break an ornament and pick red foil covered glass out of your foot for a year. That truly is the gift that keeps giving all year long.
7) Wrapping Presents. You wrap them then someone else unwraps them. Why? Just, why? So it’s a surprise? It’s a toaster, it’s ALWAYS a toaster. Christmas Day. Birthday of Christ, I think not. According to the bible, Christ was probably born in the second week of March. Why December 25th? It’s the day pagans traditionally celebrated the religion of Sol Invictus. It’s called religious transmogrification. It’s easier to convert people to your religion if you incorporate bits of their religion.

I don’t know, I guess it all seems like it combines to shroud our eyes from the true meaning of Christmas: yearly retail windfalls and personal financial chaos.

So, Merry Christmas, no one deserves it like you do.