You know its just 5 days away and I still don’t have it. The Christmas feeling, the spirit of Christmas. I commented under one of beerslingers posts that one of the reasons that a lot of us single people are so disillusioned during this time of year is because we don’t have kids to share the magic with. We are jaded that we have to repeat spending large amounts of money not because we want to but because we feel obligated to. I try to ask myself, why do I feel obligated, and not just want to?

I think the above statement is true, I’ve been a loaner during the Christmas season for a bit too long and I rarely see any of my family. The Christmas parties have been nice so far and the egg nog has been flowing. Who knows, maybe its the fact that I didn’t go buy a tree for my apartment, or that the tradition of going with the hobbits to get a real christmas tree is forever broken again since one of the hobbits now has bad allergies and is allergic to real christmas trees.

I’m hoping my outlook will change as tomorrow I go on vacation and travel to points unknown to visit my family that I haven’t seen in over a year. I’m hoping that one of them will have bought a tree and that we can all cook the ham, and turkey my father and I are bringing and enjoy a good meal. I hope that those of you who have felt the same disillusionment can some how find something similar and maybe, just maybe get a glimmer of that Christmas Spirit back.

Ok, so I was having lunch with a friend the other day and the topic turned to the impending yearly masochistic crap fest that is Christmas. All this time I thought I was the only one that loathed this time of year, but as it turns out, there are others among us. So, I’m sending up a signal flare, a rallying sign to call the others out of the closet to speak with one voice and say: “We may not have a choice, but damn it, we drink this eggnog with ill-disguised quiet disdain.”

Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I like about Christmas: caroling, chocolates and turkey to name but a few, but there is evil in this seeming banality. So for your pleasure I submit my MASTER LIST of the top things I hate about Christmas.

1) Buying Presents. Let me be specific: it’s not that I dislike spending money on the people that I care about, but there is this second idea that the present you buy must embody everything you feel about that person and if that isn’t pressure I don’t know what is. I don’t have enough time, energy or brain power left in me to come up with THE ONE gift that defines my love for you, so I hope you like the toaster you’re getting.
2) Receiving Presents. On the flip side of this, I don’t want my friends to waste their time, and energy trying to find that perfect present for me. I tell them every year, if you really feel the need to get me something, get me a bottle of whisky or a good book. Invariably I get a toaster. And then, I have to look happy about it. “No, seriously, this is the EXACT model toaster I’ve always wanted. Or at least it was until you gave me one last year…”
3) Egg Nog. This should go without the need for discussion.
4) My Grandmothers. Yes, I’m probably going straight to hell for not liking my grandmothers, but never the less hate rears its wrinkly bald head. Never in my life have I met two women more bitter, punishing or judgmental than these two. No interface that they have ever had with me has ever shown any affection what so ever, and in the end I just stop feeling like a productive member of society. Honest to god, my brain doesn’t even process the words anymore, it just translates them as “blah blah blah, you’re not good enough, blah blah, you never will be”. And Christmas is the joyous time when I have no choice but to spend time with them to keep the family peace. Ba rump ba bum bum…
5) Egg Nog. Ok, maybe it does deserve an explanation, it’s 30 proof snot people! Stop drinking it!
6) Christmas trees. They are a bitch to set up, serve no real purpose and shed. It’s like a prickley haired pet sans the unconditional love. Here’s a hint, if you only decorate one side, it tips over, really. Break an ornament and pick red foil covered glass out of your foot for a year. That truly is the gift that keeps giving all year long.
7) Wrapping Presents. You wrap them then someone else unwraps them. Why? Just, why? So it’s a surprise? It’s a toaster, it’s ALWAYS a toaster. Christmas Day. Birthday of Christ, I think not. According to the bible, Christ was probably born in the second week of March. Why December 25th? It’s the day pagans traditionally celebrated the religion of Sol Invictus. It’s called religious transmogrification. It’s easier to convert people to your religion if you incorporate bits of their religion.

I don’t know, I guess it all seems like it combines to shroud our eyes from the true meaning of Christmas: yearly retail windfalls and personal financial chaos.

So, Merry Christmas, no one deserves it like you do.