Every bartender, no matter how stupid, quickly picks up on “danger spots”. That’s what we call the signs that a person or persons may cause trouble. The cardinal rule of danger spots is that dogs and drunks are very much the same- they are always braver in packs. Three mildly intoxicated “nice guys”, trying to show off for one another are always more trouble than one severely drunk prick sitting all by himself. I’ve seen this rule proven so many times it is my belief that it should be made a scientific law and placed right between gravity and relativity.

These three fairly well dressed women sit down at the bar and order some food to go. They show no visible signs of intoxication and I have no problem serving them two bud lights and a gin and tonic. Girl’s night out. Lots of giggling and flirting. Lots of drinking. At this time I red light them. This means I intend to cut them off but won’t tell them until they order the next round. Now every bartender hates to cut people off. Especially when they are not power drinkers, rather just people having fun. I was very relived when the food came before the booze ran out, another dirty job i could take a rain check on. As they are leaving i begin clearing away their drinks and find one missing. This has happened before, women trying to smuggle out drinks in their purse and such. I run to catch up with the lady, and realize that she has neither a purse, nor a drink in her hand. The only explanation is that she took it, and my interest is peaked to see where she hid it. When I very politely confront her, she giggles like a schoolgirl and says “caught me, didn’t ya?” In a crowded restaurant she then unfastened her belt and jeans and squatted down.

After a bit of digging around she produced the drink from the front of her pants.

While washing my hands thoroughly and disposing of the glass, I came to two conclusions. One, alcohol can make you do things you don’t want to live to remember the next day. Two, next time I don’t see a glass in hand, or a purse, I’m going to sit down, shut up and leave it the hell alone.

Sneaky Peach:
1 1/4oz peach schnapps
2oz cream of coconut
2oz orange juice
1oz grenadine
1oz sweet and sour mix
6oz crushed ice

Blend thoroughly. Pour into hurricane glass, garnish with an orange slice.

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