It’s no secret that most of us here at Wetwired Central are big fans of the show Scrubs. We’re also unashamedly in love with A Charlie Brown Christmas.

That being said, we present the following. Enjoy.

Out.

Well we’ve finnally made it to December. It’s been a quick year this year. I’m sure at some point I’ll do a year in review or recap, but right now, I’m just acknowlegding that we’ve made it here and we have 24 days till Christmas. Do guys feel like you’ve got the Christmas spirit yet? I think what I miss is being a kid again, knowing that Santa existed and that I’d wake up with all sorts of new goodies.

Merry Christmas from Wetwired!

You know its just 5 days away and I still don’t have it. The Christmas feeling, the spirit of Christmas. I commented under one of beerslingers posts that one of the reasons that a lot of us single people are so disillusioned during this time of year is because we don’t have kids to share the magic with. We are jaded that we have to repeat spending large amounts of money not because we want to but because we feel obligated to. I try to ask myself, why do I feel obligated, and not just want to?

I think the above statement is true, I’ve been a loaner during the Christmas season for a bit too long and I rarely see any of my family. The Christmas parties have been nice so far and the egg nog has been flowing. Who knows, maybe its the fact that I didn’t go buy a tree for my apartment, or that the tradition of going with the hobbits to get a real christmas tree is forever broken again since one of the hobbits now has bad allergies and is allergic to real christmas trees.

I’m hoping my outlook will change as tomorrow I go on vacation and travel to points unknown to visit my family that I haven’t seen in over a year. I’m hoping that one of them will have bought a tree and that we can all cook the ham, and turkey my father and I are bringing and enjoy a good meal. I hope that those of you who have felt the same disillusionment can some how find something similar and maybe, just maybe get a glimmer of that Christmas Spirit back.

So, I’m planning a return trip to BR for Christmas.

Barring the fact that this will be a long, much needed respite from my regular life in Austin, I’m not really looking forward to the trip this time around. Why, you may ask?

It isn’t that I’ll be spending a crapload of time with the Fam- although that can be a bit of stress in its own right.

It’s not the fact that I have to spend money on Christmas presents- already done that, in fact. Even have them all wrapped, to boot.

No, the reason I’m not looking forward to the trip is solely because of the day I’ll be on the roads to BR.

December 23rd. Friday. The Friday before the Christmas weekend.

Oh, this is gonna suck.

Out.

Beerslinger’s brought up some interesting (and certainly in the case of his grandmothers, valid) reasons for disliking the Christmas holiday. In the interest of keeping in the same spirits, I shall present my own issues with the holiday season.

1- IT STARTS TOO DAMN EARLY.

November 1st, 8:30 AM. I go into Wal-Mart to buy the Episode III DVD. My ears hear something that is familiar at first, then, fills me with a sense of dread. “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” is playing over the loudspeakers. Further, when I look up Wal-Mart already has their seasonal decorations up.

The day after Halloween, for Chrissakes.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for blatant capitalism. Capitalism, yay! But the DAY AFTER FRICKING HALLOWEEN?!?

Oh, and heaven forbid if you’re not in the Christmas Spirit the whole damn time- which leads to my second thing I dislike about the holidays…

2- IT MAKES FALSE FEELINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY.

People put on airs of this time of year being so much more special than any other time of the year. For a few, it really does brighten their outlook and it is a better time of year. For the rest of us, it’s not.

That’s right, I said it. The Christmas season is no more special than any other time of the year. In fact, I dare say it’s worse for many of us. Those of us who aren’t blitheringly stupid with happiness over the joy of the holiday season are called “Scrooge” and mocked, simply because we don’t get into that holiday frame of mind. You want to know why I’m not happy Christmas comes around? I’ll tell you why…

3- CHRISTMAS IS TOO DAMNED EXPENSIVE.

Okay, so I have to buy gifts for my mom, my dad, my neices and nephews, at least one of my siblings if not all of them, and a couple of friends. Oh, and then I have to drive 500 fricking miles to head back to the family for the holidays, gifts in tow. That’ll cost some money. Then of course, I’ll have to make sure I have enough money to cover the usual trip expenses- food, etc.

Oh, wait- what’s that? You mean, I still have to pay rent and my bills, too? But, it’s Christmas!

I guess those pesky companies aren’t having their spirits lifted by the next gripe…

5- CHRISTMAS MUSIC 24/7- ‘NUFF SAID.

It was subtle, at first. Christmas music all day on the day itself with some scattered throughout the days before the big day- understandable, sure. Then, it was the week before Christmas. Then, two weeks. Now, many places play Christmas music all day every day from Thanksgiving on. This was mostly limited to retail outlets but has since spread to radio stations as well.

Folks, when you start diggin into the well for Christmas music so that you don’t repeat the same ten songs over and over, it’s time to give it up. Not only that, but the Christmas music onslaught only serves to increase the final item on this list…

6- CHRISTMAS IS TOO DAMNED STRESSFUL.

Christmas was meant to celebrate one of the two holiest days on the Christian calendar. It should be a day of celebration. However, what we’ve seen rise instead is this false holday brought on by greed, disingenuousness and a desire to have something special for much longer than the shelf life on the holiday should last. It’s tough getting through the holidays for some of us, and this expansion of the “Holiday Season” does nothing to alleviate that stress. If you keep stretching the holiday out, it begins to lose some of that certain it factor that makes it special.

I’ve been accused of being a “Scrooge” in my time. I disagree. I’m more of a purist. I remember when the holidays began at Thanksgiving, had a brief rest and kicked into gear once December rolled around. I remember looking forward to Christmas with a sense of wonder and a real sense of joy. I remember when the holiday lost its luster for me, and nowadays I look upon the experience with a mixture of dread and anticipation. I will be happy to see my family and friends back home, but at the same time getting through the holidays wears me down, as it has for the last few years. I suppose that’s unfortunate, in a sense.

Out.

Ok, so I was having lunch with a friend the other day and the topic turned to the impending yearly masochistic crap fest that is Christmas. All this time I thought I was the only one that loathed this time of year, but as it turns out, there are others among us. So, I’m sending up a signal flare, a rallying sign to call the others out of the closet to speak with one voice and say: “We may not have a choice, but damn it, we drink this eggnog with ill-disguised quiet disdain.”

Don’t get me wrong, there are things that I like about Christmas: caroling, chocolates and turkey to name but a few, but there is evil in this seeming banality. So for your pleasure I submit my MASTER LIST of the top things I hate about Christmas.

1) Buying Presents. Let me be specific: it’s not that I dislike spending money on the people that I care about, but there is this second idea that the present you buy must embody everything you feel about that person and if that isn’t pressure I don’t know what is. I don’t have enough time, energy or brain power left in me to come up with THE ONE gift that defines my love for you, so I hope you like the toaster you’re getting.
2) Receiving Presents. On the flip side of this, I don’t want my friends to waste their time, and energy trying to find that perfect present for me. I tell them every year, if you really feel the need to get me something, get me a bottle of whisky or a good book. Invariably I get a toaster. And then, I have to look happy about it. “No, seriously, this is the EXACT model toaster I’ve always wanted. Or at least it was until you gave me one last year…”
3) Egg Nog. This should go without the need for discussion.
4) My Grandmothers. Yes, I’m probably going straight to hell for not liking my grandmothers, but never the less hate rears its wrinkly bald head. Never in my life have I met two women more bitter, punishing or judgmental than these two. No interface that they have ever had with me has ever shown any affection what so ever, and in the end I just stop feeling like a productive member of society. Honest to god, my brain doesn’t even process the words anymore, it just translates them as “blah blah blah, you’re not good enough, blah blah, you never will be”. And Christmas is the joyous time when I have no choice but to spend time with them to keep the family peace. Ba rump ba bum bum…
5) Egg Nog. Ok, maybe it does deserve an explanation, it’s 30 proof snot people! Stop drinking it!
6) Christmas trees. They are a bitch to set up, serve no real purpose and shed. It’s like a prickley haired pet sans the unconditional love. Here’s a hint, if you only decorate one side, it tips over, really. Break an ornament and pick red foil covered glass out of your foot for a year. That truly is the gift that keeps giving all year long.
7) Wrapping Presents. You wrap them then someone else unwraps them. Why? Just, why? So it’s a surprise? It’s a toaster, it’s ALWAYS a toaster. Christmas Day. Birthday of Christ, I think not. According to the bible, Christ was probably born in the second week of March. Why December 25th? It’s the day pagans traditionally celebrated the religion of Sol Invictus. It’s called religious transmogrification. It’s easier to convert people to your religion if you incorporate bits of their religion.

I don’t know, I guess it all seems like it combines to shroud our eyes from the true meaning of Christmas: yearly retail windfalls and personal financial chaos.

So, Merry Christmas, no one deserves it like you do.

I am in the market for a new vehicle. Although not immediate, somewhere within the next 2-6 months I’ll most likely want to buy a new one. I’ve narrowed it down to either a Subaru Legacy GT or a 4×4 Toyota Tacoma Access Cab. Both cars are recently new generation cars with new parts. The Tacoma uses a 4.0L v6 engine that has been in the Prado in Japan for 4-5 years and is well tested and proven. The Legacy GT uses the same Boxer engine as the STI (I believe) and is 2.5L 260hp. It also has been tested in Japan and has been used for quite some time before coming to the states. With that said, both are sound purchases.

Which brings me to my car shopping last night. First stop was Champion Toyota. MJ and I stopped there and looked around for the Tacoma access Cabs and could not find one. So we sucked it up and walked in to 3 sales men just standing around. We asked where their Tacoma’s were and were informed there were 3 in the back we could look at but all of the salesmen were waiting on customers or had someone in finance etc. So they called over another sales person who was on his cell phone talking to his gay lover. His name was David Basham (512-804-7018 - Direct) and was the most unhelpful sales person I have ever met. Not only did give a disgruntled look when he was asked to help us find the tacomas, he also was very profane in his language. He was more interested in getting back inside and getting back on his cell phone call than he was to helping us look up and find a truck. Within 2 minutes we had circled the entire place in a little golf cart so quick that you hardly had a chance to see anything, and came back to the front where he said, “well we don’t have any, here’s my card, call me and I’ll see if we have something later.” Did he bother to look in the computer system to verify? No. Did he ask any of the other sales people who had stated we had them? No. Did he offer to show us anything else? No.

Next Stop was Gillman Subaru, which I’ll admit are pretty shady, but almost always have the bigger selection - and because of it are able to deal more if you argue with them - Me I got my WRX there 3 years ago after 2 hours of bickering on price. This time we found the cars right away. And a sales person who was showing someone else a car said he or someone else would be right out as he went back inside with the customer he was with. 10 minutes later another sales person, whom I’m guessing weighed around 450 lbs walked out towards a vehicle and then turned around and walked back asking if we’d been helped. “No.”

“Ok I’ll have a sales person come right out.”

10 Minutes later no sales person, we gave up and went home. Needless to say, they have made their quotas for the month at this time of year and don’t give a damn about selling any more cars. Personally I should have known better, Austin Subaru always is helpful and Brent has been a great treasure trove of knowledge there. Also Pam at Champion Toyota Service department is great, but aside from that WTF!?! At least there are some more dealerships in the area I’m sure will get my business.

Total BS. Whenever I was in a shop and leaving I’d say Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays.

I was on the plane flying back the other day and I hear a guy behind me say “Merry Christmas, oops, I mean Happy Holidays to be politically correct.”

I snapped my head around to look and he saw me look. He gave me the “what did I say look.”

The lady sitting next to me said, “yeah I heard it too.”

I think a lot of people are getting fed up with it, and yet people are still afraid to offend someone and get sued. What the hell is wrong with you people? At least at this time of year, regaurdless of what someone wishes you at least they are being nice and wishing you well. What other time of year can you get this?

My advice for the new year, SUCK IT UP. Stop being a little puss and being so sue happy.

Airline comedy is black humor. That being said, its easy to poke at. I fly a lot so its easy to memorize the spiel that they announce prior to any flight.

To fasten your seat belt, insert the small end into the larger clasp, and to undo lift up like so.

In the event of a water landing…

Ok in the event of a water landing, kiss your ass goodbye. The chances of a plane actually not splitting apart and killing everyone are 10 to 1. The problem is the wings or the engine catch in the water, and yank the plane in one direction or another so at 200mph, the plane just flips over and pretty much yanks apart.

That being said, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.

that’s nice.

Slide your hands in the straps and hold close to your body.

Ok, so basically you’re going to put this seat cushion right up next to your chest and face. The same seat cushion that a thousand other people have farted on before you. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking that I’m going to be putting my face where a thousand other peoples asses have been.

In the event that the cabin depressurizes, oxygen masks will pop out from above you.

As if you weren’t scared enough, a jack in the box style yellow mask will pop out from above and scare the piss out of you, forcing you to shit your pants. Now, they are asking you to do the above, put your seat cushion to your face. Great, not only have a bunch of people squeezed out some fumes, you’ve just shit your pants on this cushion and you’re going to put it to your face.

Although oxygen is flowing freely, the bag may not inflate.

That’s nice, so basically it may or may not inflate, and the supply of oxygen may or may not be on!

Make sure you fasten your mask first before helping others.

Basically save yourself. Fuck the rest of them. But hey, that’s human survival.

If you are seated in an emergency exit area, please make sure that you are comfortable with opening the door.

Yeah I don’t think grandma can lift a 80lb door, fling it out of the way before I run her over. Oh well.

Many ask, how do you join the mile high club? Have you seen how big those bathrooms are? Yeah, basically the only way you can is if one of you is a gymnast. Me, I fly solo mile high club. I leave a present on the ceiling of the bathroom for the next guy. I’m always afraid that when I flush, the cabin will decompress and I’ll be sucked out by the toilet. What a way to go, “man dies - flushed down aircraft toilet, fell 30,000 feet to his death, pants still around his ankles.

So, what are my tips for air travel?

1. Reserve your flight early, you’ll get better boarding time.
2. Sit in the isle, window if you have to, but never the middle.
3. Have a small carry on that can go under your feet. One above you means you have to actually get up and pull it down, and you might have stuff fall on you. And it takes more time so you can’t get off the plane as quickly.
4. Get seats as close to the door as you can. That way you don’t have to worry about waiting for everyone in front of you to get off the plane first. If you’re like me, you hate waiting forever to file off slowly.
5. Wear clothing that has no metal. Wear sandles. With all the new security procedures, I try to be as hassle free as I can. I book non-stop flights so I don’t have to worry as much about lost luggage and I wear shorts, shirt and thin soled sandles. I check my bags, and have a laptop as a carry on, strut right through security without a hitch and am off the plane almost as soon as it stops at the gate.
6. Don’t drink anything prior to the flight. There is nothing worse than to have to get up 10 times over the course of a 2 hour flight to drain your bitty bladder. If they offer you a drink on the flight, that’s fine, just remember drink it slowly.

Ok, all cell phone customer services suck. As far as who to go with , with best signal, there are only two real good ones: Sprint and Verizon. And as far as who has the most features like using your cell phone for internet - its Sprint. But, they also have the worst customer service.

And recently, because of the merger with Nextel, Sprint has taken it upon themselves to outsource their regular customer service to India.

So today, I logon to the website to pay my bill and just like usual, it has the wrong address - ie. the zip doesn’t match my bank card so it won’t go through. I change it, save it and come back to pay again and still not fixed. So I call, like I’ve done the past 4 months and tell them to look at my account. The person I talk to has a thick Indian accent and sounds like a 10yr old boy. She/he says she’s changed it but it still isn’t working.

So I’m like, ok will you take my payment over the phone and wave the $5 fee.

“Ok sir I will be taking your payment of $179 now.”

“Ok, I just want to pay $100. The remaining isn’t due until January.”

“Ok sir, I will charge your card, what is your number?”

“xxx-xxxx-xxxx exp xx-xxxx”

“Ok sir I have charged your card $179.”

“NO! I said $100″

“Ok, sir I already have authorized the payment.”

“Then unauthorize it!”

“There is nothing I can do for you sir.”

“Supervisor”

“My supervisor is unavailable.”

“I’ll wait.”

Click > hold music

“Sprint customer service this is [Brent]”

“Hi Brent, first I’m relieved that you can understand me. The last person I talked to charged my account the full amount when I specifically stated I only wanted to pay for December and for $100″

“Ok I’ll take care of it.”

Sure enough, Brent gets me to the right department and I get my money refunded. Moral of the story, don’t make your payments to sprint on the phone with someone from Bangalore India. Oh, and complain to sprint, so they too, like the other large companies will learn that outsourcing customer service is a stupid idea.

Today is Three French Hens Day. For the 12 days of Christmas.

I returned yesterday from a weeklong trip back home. The time spent with my family was mostly enjoyable, but that’s not what I’m writing about.

See, I have always maintained that my posting on Wetwired would be based on what or when I had something to say. If I didn’t have anything to talk about, I would keep quiet. It’s a philosophy I maintain in real life as well. This tends to lead to quiet road trips, as Py can attest.

So, what has gotten my feathers all a-ruffled, you might ask? Well, it started a couple of weeks ago. Back home in BR, the Bethany Church purchased a large space of land to place what would become their global spiritual headquarters. The plans are quite impressive according to Beerslinger, who has seen the plans. To mark the location where the entrance will be, they have erected three very large, very visible white metal crosses. They’re huge- so much so that they can be seen from nearly every direction from quite a ways away. They’re also a bit controversial, as the local talk shows have discussed them and people are taking sides on whether or not these large symbols should have been erected. My thoughts are simple- it’s their land. They own the property, and the crosses are large but far enough back from any roads to not do any damage were they to collapse. Plus, the reasoning is there too- they’re building what will be a very large church on the location. So long as what they do on the land isn’t illegal, it isn’t any of my business what they put on it. Moreover, I don’t really care. I’m not as religious as most people, but I recognize that this is their way of expressing their beliefs in God. Again- their land, their right to do so.

I consider this to be a very reasonable position. If it ain’t against the law, they do what they want. This opinion is not shared by all, however.

One of my friends works at a large firm near the area. This person has informed me that a co-worker has complained to their Human Resources department that they have to pass these large crosses every day to get to work. They are holding the company responsible because the only route to get to their office passes these crosses.

Now, the reasonable part of me looks at this and says “well, there’s nothing the company can do. They don’t own the land, the Church is within their legal rights to put the crosses up and it’s none of the company’s business to deal with the crosses. Ignore the crosses, and you’re going to have a better day. If you can’t, then such is life. You choose to continue to work at the location, then it’s your decision at that point and you cannot hold the company liable.”

That’s the reasonable part of me, anyways. This person disagrees with me, however. In fact, there is talk of a lawsuit.

…

Let that sink in for a moment. This person wants to file a lawsuit against the company because a private institution not affiliated in any way with the company has put up three crosses on their own land.

…

Okay, now that it’s sunk in a bit I’ll ask the fairly obvious question.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

Have we as a society become so litigious that someone is willing to sue their own company for something so stupid as this? The most likely result will be that the company settles the lawsuit, to which I say DON’T. If they settle, it opens the floodgates to further stupidity. If they go to trial, the person will lose- plain and simple. That’s if the case even goes to trial. And when that happens, I hope they get fired that same day. Only then will people see the lack of value in pursuing such an incredibly dense plan of action such as this.

Oh, and one other thing- even though the likelihood of that person reading this blog is miniscule, I just want to go on record as saying to this person- you are a fool. You are a whiny, ridiculously foolish imbecile who is looking to make a buck and your actions will hurt the people you work alongside. No good will come from this. But please, go ahead with your lawsuit. I could always use the entertainment.

My thoughts, anyways.

This was taken from Jim’s site. Thanks for some evil Christmas humor.

An original composition by Jim for your enjoyment. Don’t read this one to the kids:

That pole to the north is a nasty old place
Where elves take their turns sitting on Santa’s face.
Mrs. Claus lays around passing her gasses
while reindeer jerk off with corn cobs in their asses.

The geese are all too scared to sit
They know if they eat they’ll end up on a spit.
The turkeys, all hens, have now formed a coven
To keep their collective ass from the oven.

The angel atop the ol’ Christmas tree
Performs sexual favors, of course there’s a fee.
In the workshop they’re making some last minute dolls
but the Barbies are mad ’cause the Kens have no balls.

The Kringle’s away, in his bathroom he’s toking
The Feds want to know what it is he is smoking.
Rudolph and friends might be ready to fly
But Santa got baked and is already high.

The night wears on long but no Santa appears
So the reindeer put back the corn cobs in their rears.
The elves check in and find Santa a snoozin’
They vacate their jobs and start seriously boozin’.

Will Christmas have to be cancelled then?
No presents, no tree, and no Christmas hen?
What happens when it turns out Santa don’t give a fart?
Don’t worry kids, there’s always Wal-Mart.

This is prob. one of the 3rd biggest shopping days of the years, tomorrow being the 2nd. What do I want to do? Go home and sleep. I haven’t gotten much sleep lately and work during the holidays just makes me want to pass out. Egg Nog, turkey, hot chocolate, candies, etc. all add to the lazyness and/or sleep deprivation. Unfortunately I still have a few things to get - last minute for people and damnit I hate fighting the Christmas crowds at the malls. My Christmas shopping usually goes like this:

I drove up to the mall and park near the food court. Why? Because I like entering by the movie theatre and all the food. Ok that and I like to stare at all the highschool chicks. Come on, if they are going to dress like hookers, It’s not like they don’t want you to look.

“Hey baby, I drive a WRX”

“Wow, wanna give me a ride?”

“How old are you?”

“Twelve”

“I’ll come back in 6 years.”

“You sure?” She says as she puts her hands on her ass.

“You’re freaking twelve!”

“But I look twenty…”

“I’d like to introduce you to my friend MJ.. he likes em young…”

So I go on into the mall and look around. There are Christmas lights everywhere, a drunk swinging a bell for the Salvation Army, a Santa who is scaring kids, tons of hot chicks in Victoria’s Secrets….

“Hey, what are you doing? Are you going to buy something?”

“Huh? oh no.. sorry, I was just lost in the moment.”

“What?”

“Never mind, um.. Merry Christmas…”

I decided to go down stairs to the video store, Sun Coast. Land of overpriced movies and S&M looking clerks. I kid you not, the mall by my house has leather clad S&M looking clerks. I’m sure soon as I leave the store they are getting in a harness and slapping each others asses..

Upon walking into the store I spotted my prey; the last copy of Pirates of the Caribbean. I reached my greedy hand towards the movie only to find some lady grabbing it at the same time.

“Hey, that’s mine,” I said.

“I was here first!” She yelled.

“Hey no need for yelling here.”

“I’m NOT YELLING!”

“Whoa, lady, why don’t you let go the movie and take a Prozac.”

“Fuck YOU!”

“Here, take it bitch. Happy fucking holidays to you too.”

I meandered over to the other movies in the store when I overheard….

“My last name is St. Croix-Thomas, not Mrs. Thomas. I kept my real last name for a reason.”

I started walking out and decided to say something, “You know lady, you prove my theory that women who hyphenate their last names are all BITCHES!”

And with that I went into FYE and low and behold, they had a copy of the movie.

So I’m sitting in a bar and in walks blitzen, one of Santa.s reindeer.

“Hey I’m Blitzen, and I need to get blitzed!”

The bartender pours him a shot of Patron which he downs immediately and asks for another. After 8 shots he looks at me in a drunken haze.

“(hic) Who are you?”

“I’m pylorns”

“That’s a stupid name.”

“What are you doing here when you should be helping Santa? It’s Christmas eve.”

“Santa got drunk, passed out on the sleigh and puked all over the toys. There won’t be a Christmas this year.”

“You have got to be shitting me. You’re telling me that Santa is out like a light?”

“Yeah, and the presents smell like a raccoon crawled up someone’s ass and died. I didn’t know the old man could projectile hurl.”

“So there is no backup plan?”

“Nope.”

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Crashed into the dumpster out back..”

“Take me to him.”

“(hic) Bartender, a shot for the..” Blitzen started to say, but passed out as he fell off the stool and hit the floor with a thud. His eyes turned to little ‘x’s and his tongue shot out, cartoon style.

I went out the door and turned to the right, going around the back of the bar. Sure enough a sleigh, and 7 reindeer bruised, banged up and a fat guy in a Red Suit, all strewn across the back alley.

I walked up to the sleigh and looked in; puke everywhere. In the dumpster Santa lay completely passed out. I slapped him across the face “Santa!” I yelled. “Wake up damnit.”

(thrrrrummmpp) Santa let one rip in his sleep. For the love of god it was horrible. “Santa you smell like ass.” I said as I slapped him again across the face. It didn’t work.

“Hey you damn reindeer, what the hell do you do when the old man gets drunk?”

“We take him home and sober him up, but we don’t have time tonight.”

“Oh come on.. this is nutz. Help me get the big guy into the bar, I’m sure the bartender has something to roust him.”

The reindeer helped me pick him up and get him into the bar. First we got the bartender to make what he liked to call “gutshaker.”

“Now you may want to get him to the bathroom soon after we get this down his throat. That bowl full of jelly is gonna explode.” The bartender said.

Sure enough, soon as the drink/toxic substance touched his mouth, he was awake.

“Where the fuck am I? Oh shit.. I feel sick!”

“Come on Santa, let’s get you to the restroom.” I said as we rolled him on the barstool to the restroom.

“Shit.” The men’s room was closed. There was only one alternative, the ladies room.

“Hello, is anyone in here?” I yelled as I cracked the door open.

“Yes! Don’t come in!”

“I’m sorry we have a drunk Santa and the men’s room is closed we’re coming in, just thought we’d warn you.”

“NO! DON’T COME IN!”

Too late.

“Oh my.. god..” I looked at the stall and there were two women completely naked obviously engrossed in each other. Santa’s eyes bulged, the reindeer all stopped to look. It was like time just stood still for a moment; paused if you will, so that we could take in the scene.

“Wow,” Rudolph said.

“Blaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Santa puked. And it was the projectile puke that went towards the ladies.

“EWWWW, that’s so nasty!” They said as they stopped and grabbed their clothing.

“Don’t leave on our account.” I said.

“We’re outta here, that’s disgusting.” They said as they slipped a little on the puke walking out.

“Damnit Santa, every time you get drunk, you screw up our opportunities.” Rudolph yelled.

You wouldn’t even know what to do with it even if you could,” Santa groaned.

“Ok.. ok enough already, Santa are you ready to get out of there an on with the gift giving?” I asked.

“Yes, I suppose. Fucking elves spiked the punch again.”

And with that we got Santa back out to the sleigh and the reindeer all hooked up.

“We’re missing a reindeer!” Santa yelled.

“Oh shit. Blitzen.” I said as I ran into the bar. Luckily he was up standing around, or rather stumbling.

I got Blitzen back to the sleigh and tied up. He promptly vomited on the snow.

“On dasher, on dancer, on cupid, on Blitzen.. holy crap” and I thought I could projectile vomit?”

And that was how I saved Christmas.