Every bartender, no matter how stupid, quickly picks up on “danger spots”. That’s what we call the signs that a person or persons may cause trouble. The cardinal rule of danger spots is that dogs and drunks are very much the same- they are always braver in packs. Three mildly intoxicated “nice guys”, trying to show off for one another are always more trouble than one severely drunk prick sitting all by himself. I’ve seen this rule proven so many times it is my belief that it should be made a scientific law and placed right between gravity and relativity.

These three fairly well dressed women sit down at the bar and order some food to go. They show no visible signs of intoxication and I have no problem serving them two bud lights and a gin and tonic. Girl’s night out. Lots of giggling and flirting. Lots of drinking. At this time I red light them. This means I intend to cut them off but won’t tell them until they order the next round. Now every bartender hates to cut people off. Especially when they are not power drinkers, rather just people having fun. I was very relived when the food came before the booze ran out, another dirty job i could take a rain check on. As they are leaving i begin clearing away their drinks and find one missing. This has happened before, women trying to smuggle out drinks in their purse and such. I run to catch up with the lady, and realize that she has neither a purse, nor a drink in her hand. The only explanation is that she took it, and my interest is peaked to see where she hid it. When I very politely confront her, she giggles like a schoolgirl and says “caught me, didn’t ya?” In a crowded restaurant she then unfastened her belt and jeans and squatted down.

After a bit of digging around she produced the drink from the front of her pants.

While washing my hands thoroughly and disposing of the glass, I came to two conclusions. One, alcohol can make you do things you don’t want to live to remember the next day. Two, next time I don’t see a glass in hand, or a purse, I’m going to sit down, shut up and leave it the hell alone.

Sneaky Peach:
1 1/4oz peach schnapps
2oz cream of coconut
2oz orange juice
1oz grenadine
1oz sweet and sour mix
6oz crushed ice

Blend thoroughly. Pour into hurricane glass, garnish with an orange slice.

[Ratings]

(republish from 2000, previously lost)
  When most of my friends were still playing cowboys
and indians I announced to my father that I wanted a
job, and for better or for worse i began my working
life. What my father neglected to inform me of was
that working is like shaving and masturbation; once
you begin your tied to it for the rest of your life.

  In the eleven years since, I have had more jobs than
I can count. I have worked as a ranch hand,
been in construction and demolition, sold every product and
service under the sun and even had a job where I was
paid to read comic books. However for the last year or
so I have been working as a bartender- by far the most
stressful and rewarding of all my professions.

  Every day I see people at the best and worst moments
of their lives. I see them when their inhibitions are
lowered and their guard is down. This volatile
combination has lead to certain observations and
conclusions that I would like to share with others.
Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated, and I
will answer all e-mail.

My Cocktail
-3 ounces of extra dry gin
-ice

  Pour gin over ice and serve in an old fassioned glass.

[ratings]

The pizza must be too spicy dad….  

Tonight a father and son sat at my bar. The boy was only sixteen but I made an exception, it was late and there was almost no one else in  the place. They placed their orders Bud light and root beer, and I went back to stocking the beer cooler. When my back was turned they  commenced with the usual small talk, how’s school, how’s work, etc.  Their pizza came and this must have been the fathers queue to launch  into the more serious part of the conversation.   

” Son, your mother and I are going to get a divorce”.  I’ve heard a lot of things said at my bar, but this was a first. Out of respect, I did my best to look like I was ignoring the whole thing. ” It’s for the best. We don’t love each other and never really have, or at least not that I can remember. But hell, life goes on, right?” I took this opportunity to glance at the boy, and he was crying, not making a sound, just tears on his cheeks and a sick look on his face.  The man flagged me down and I dutifully came over with more drinks.   

The father looked over at his son and noticed that he didn’t look to well. “What’s wrong son?” ” I don’t know dad, they must have just put too many peppers on my pizza. ” They finished eating in silence and I brought them their bill. It was settled and just as I was about to leave, the father asked me “So that waitresses over there, the blond, is she single? ” I think that’s what really drove it home for the boy. It made it all real, his whole world as he knew it was just taken from him. The tears started again and the two walked out of my bar. 

Nuclear Meltdown
3/4 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. cognac
1/2 oz. passion fruit syrup
Shack well with ice and strain into a shot glass. 

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