Awesome, and Submitted Without Further Comment:

Out.

We try not to plug too many other things around here. Except for all those times where we did just that. And by “we” I basically mean Pylorns and to a lesser extent Finley, who I am completely not throwing under the bus at all in any way, because I will shamelessly name drop and publicize anything I want to any goddamned time.

Brian Dunning is the host of one of my favorite podcasts, Skeptoid. This weekly show is usually about 10-15 minutes long, and it is jam-packed with knowledge and production value. Brian is a man who really does his homework, and backs up nearly everything he says with a footnote as if he was writing a thesis for my 300-level Baroque critical analysis class (Hey Dr. J!) The show is fun and easy to listen to, but it really does focus on applying critical thinking to a lot of pop culture and pseudoscience.

This week’s episode, “Did Jewish Slaves Build the Pyramids?” (answer: No) is a really fun one, and it addresses an issue I’ve run in to a LOT. I went to Catholic school for, like, ever, and had a lot of teachers who said everything in the Bible was true, and a lot who said it was kind of true, and one who told me to go to the principal’s office when I asked if there were aliens on other planets and if God would have to send Jesus to die for their sins too. The question of faith aside, a fair number of people who claim to not take the Bible as an infallible document will look you in the eye and tell you that the Hebrews were enslaved in Egypt under Ramses II and built the pyramids, etc… etc… dead babies and raining fire and so forth. There are even theories claiming to give scientific explanations for the Plagues of Egypt. These are all, in a word, bullshit.

Give the link a once over, at least, and go back through the archives. He’s got over 100 episodes covering everything from Wheatgrass Juice to the Illuminati (that one’s a musical!) If you absolutely hate everything in it, I will personally give you the 12 minutes of your life back.

Skeptoid.com

So every year at exactly this particular time, I celebrate a very special holiday called Halloweenmas. It’s a lot like Halloween, except I make a huge deal out of it, and send out cards, and remind people to celebrate, and go on and on about the joys of the season, and decorate my house, just like most of you obnoxious Christmas people. So take that.

I go overboard with the costume (this year, I’m a lady bug). I dress in black and orange for a week and pass out candy to co-workers. I have a collection of plastic spiders, black-and-orange strings of lights, and several CDs of haunted house sound effects. But my most cherished Halloweenmas tradition is throwing a big, ridiculous party and walking around drinking Bloody Marys from a plastic Party City mug shaped like a skull. This is approximately 10,000 times better than snowflake sweaters, Jingle Bells, and egg nog.

Happy Halloween, readers and fellow crew members. Now, here is Barack Obama dressed as a super hero beating up pirates.

Yes. Yes! My life just got awesome.

Access Hollywood

In a pairing that would rock the reality world of multiple births, Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman — who has 14 kids — said she’s crushing on Jon Gosselin, who has eight kids of his own.

“I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin,” Suleman told Radar Online. “I think he’s hot!”

However, in a strange burst of reason, she said:

“I don’t think any single mother of any amount of kids should start dating,” she explained, but said she’s open to dating someone “when the kids are older.”

I believe what she meant was a single mother with 14 kids should not start dating. Way to keep making headlines, Nadya,

Like many of the writers for this site, I read the comments we receive on a regular basis (nightly, for me). I go through, and see what is said to the person who posted something for you to peruse.

Most of the time, it’s fairly commonplace to see either a comment of agreement, a snarky troll attack or some sort of disagreement in opinion. It is also unsurprising to see someone complain that we fall on one side of the political spectrum or the other.

From there, though, things get weird.

Somewhere along the way, a corporate tagline became the expectation for everyone else. Fox News has made BILLIONS on the tagline of “Fair and Balanced News.” Now, whether or not you agree with them that’s what they’ve put out there, and to their mighty benefit it’s worked out pretty well for them so far.

What gets most people riled up is the idea of commentary on their shows. O’Reilly, Hannity, Beck- these guys are commentators, a Greek Chorus of voices intended to provoke the viewing masses to one side of the argument over the other. The same can be said of folks like Olbermann and Maddow, on the opposite side of the political spectrum. Now, whether you agree with their methods and arguments or not you must note the rampant success these folks have had.

The most common complaint is over the idea that any news organization has a “slant-” some sort of ideological angle from which they promote some sort of agenda. Most people tend to forget that it is only within the past 70 years that news has shifted from a definite slant to the theoretical “fair and balanced” view- and that was done as a marketing play to get higher readership rates.

There is a place for commentary and objective news reporting on television. When done well, it succeeds in the ultimate goal- to make money.

Moving to the point of this post, I look at the work done on this site. We have a group of writers that cross the political spectrum. We don’t always (or even necessarily often) agree with each others’ opinions on a multitude of topics. However, we do share these opinions with you and with each other.

What we are is a Greek Chorus. What we are not, however, is a news organization.

We are not objective. We never have been, and never will be a truly objective source of information.

However, here’s the point to remember- we never CLAIMED to be truly objective.

Why do I bring this up? Funny you ask.

I see comments from time to time saying we’re not balanced in our presentation of our opinions or stories. We should be fair, these folks say.

Bollocks, I say.

I’ve recently come to the realization that even if I don’t agree with the point someone is making on the site, if they’re part of our writing staff I will gladly back them up as one of our own. That applies to either side of the argument. (Unless, of course, they claim something completely batshit insane like “Aliens were behind 9/11″ or “Ashton Kutcher is a good actor”- I mean, come on.) I will also actively encourage anyone to argue the merits of a position based on the argument made. If you come here and read something that you disagree with and you decide to debate the points of the discussion, that’s cool with me. I like reading spirited debate, I really do. Hell, I’ll even join in that debate from time to time.

However… if you come here and attack one of our writers with nothing but bile or petty troll maneuvering, because you can’t sack up to make an actual point? If you go after one of my peeps on Wetwired because you don’t like what they say, and attack them personally?

That’s where I have a problem.

I realize that expecting common sense on the internet is like expecting fine quality meats in a sausage. However, I will have no problem with laying a smackdown on anyone who decides to break Wil Wheaton’s cardinal rule of internet communication- “Don’t be a dick.”

So, be warned. You attack one of us, you attack all of us.

Oh, and to “Fish?” The inspiration for this post? You make a bitchy comment about someone having “daddy issues,” and be ready to get your reward in kind. I don’t like seeing my peeps get attacked, and I’ll have no problem releasing the hounds on your pathetic attempt to make yourself look cool when in actuality, you make yourself look like a dim-witted, classless, weak-spoken whiny little douchenozzle who can’t put their mind where their mouth is. Bring something other than your innate shitheadedness to the table (like say, a salient point) and I’ll think about listening.

Otherwise? Consider yourself served, asswipe.

Out.

As the national media try to fruitlessly remind us what they think is important, stop and remeber what those men sacrificed for us in that hot courthouse in July 1776 when they signed their own death warrants.

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if  they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly.

He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him,
and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson
home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire.. The home was destroyed,
and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.

The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying.

Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests
and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It’s not much to ask for the price they paid.

Easter Egg for the Palm Pre- and this is good. Remember the old Konami code? Type that into your Palm Pre and it unlocks the Developer Mode. Just type it all out on the keyboard, and it will bring up a new card and a switch to turn on the Dev mode. Reset your Pre and you’ve got the Mojo SDK.

Anything with the Konami code rocks. Dig it.

[via Engadget]

As one of the few perks left in my job, I get to travel for work. I usually fly 1-3 times a month. So I get to enjoy all the peasants on the planes.

Insert Samuel Jackson: “We got stupids on the plane”

Here are the stupids I got to enjoy this last trip.

Genius with a bag way to big for the over head bin. The guy spent 2 minutes trying to figure how to fit a full size bag in a half size over head bin. Funny how after 2 minutes he couldn’t keep holding it up any longer and gave up. I bet his wife gets that same disappointed and frustrated look on her face allot. The only thing worse, the person in line behind me felt I should hear his thoughts on the matter….

5 bags per person. The sign says 2 bag per person carry on for a reason, htf are you going to fit 2-3 bags under the seat in front of you on the EXIT ROW ! And the woman got annoyed when the Flight attendant kept telling her, you have to move those bags.

People need hand cuffs. If you feel you have the right to fall asleep and let your arms dangle over onto my side, then I have the right to hit that arm or fart on it. Lucky I’m not a Zombie and or Vampire. Use a pair of cuffs to keep your hands together in your own damn lap.

The air drummer dude. WTF are you air drumming to and why do you think the person next to you should see that? Lame factor: High

The complainers who think you want to hear their complaints. It’s bad enough we have to deal with the problem also, but hearing you complain about it, just makes me wish I was a zombie so I could take you out, berserker style.

The 60+ year old lady next to me at the emergency exit. Can you really open that 50lb door? Because if you can’t and the captain decides to go mid-air Duck hunting resulting in a mad skillz water landing or we have a Zombie attack on the plane, guess who’s going to get used as a stepping stool to go out that door?

On a positive note I would like to thank the pilot, for not going duck hunting with a plane, that would suck. The flight crew, thanks for also not being a zombie, wouldn’t want you contaminating the small amount of cheap drinking water and the multi-person shared cans of soda we have access to.

FYI: I have determined that the worse place for a zombie attack would be on a plane. Think about it.

Thank you My Pakistani Flight Attendant for not being a terrorist wielding a tooth pick. But if you decide to go that way, just note my will to live and plan to repopulate the earth with Blondes is stronger than your desire to get 44 Virgins in the after life who don’t have a clue what to do. But if I fail to take you down, just note I’ll be getting 44 Milfs who knows wtf they are doing so there for you lose either way. However, if you decide to become a zombie, then you win, have fun with the rest of the passengers, I’m stepping on the 60+ year old and out the door.

F My Life: Your Everyday Life Stories

You know those things that make you feel like your life is pretty okay? Like watching Intervention or finding out that really smart kid from high school just got arrested for the second time for sniffing glue and stealing stereos? I found a new one.

I’m assuming this site has everything to do with Twitter, but I really don’t know a tweet from a tw— non-tweet. I just know that in about 200 characters these people (mostly high school kids and barely-employed adults) tell the most outrageous, embarrassing things to millions of strangers. A lot of them involve teens walking in on adults having sex, or vice-versa. Or mis-sent text messages. While not exactly safe for work, the shenanigans are mostly harmless. There is something about the number of entangled genital/facial piercings that makes me feel a little chagrined, and all the car accidents help to remind me that always wearing a seatbelt is in fact, cool.

And then, of course, someone has to come along and ruin the fun by posting something like this:

“Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, “Please don’t drink anymore, I really worry about your health” written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn’t ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said “So you’re going to drink anyway?” FML”

The punchline is that instead of reassessing your life in this situation, some people think it would be fun to check and see what the internet has to say about it. FML.

It’s time for your Weekend Week’s End Wrap Up for March 8 thru March 14

Sunday: Ticket sales topped $55.7 million for the opening weekend of “Watchmen.” While no one really seemed to love it, no one can stop talking about it. Take that, “Madea Goes to Jail.”

Monday: An obese woman, standing 5’2” and weighing 230 lbs., underwent weight-loss brain surgery at West Virginia University. WVU hospital is the only center in the world to perform this deep brain stimulation procedure to induce weight loss. Wires carrying electrical impulses from pacemaker-like devices in her chest were connected to the part of her brain controlling when her stomach feels full. “Thank god,” the nation said, “that science has finally provided a simple, reasonable way to help me lose that extra few pounds. That ‘eat less and exercise more’ routine was total bullshit.”

Tuesday: Facebook unleashes its new homepage, featuring a real-time stream of the updates that used to appear in your mini-feed. The status box now asks the Gen-RX friendly, “what’s on your mind?” and just in case you’ve missed something in the real-time feed, there is a highlights section featuring all the same stuff that was there the last time you hit Refresh. All of your friends joined the group “If we can get 100,00 people to join, facebook will switch back to the old homepage.”

Wednesday: In an effort to help the environment by reducing transportation costs, the US discussed both withdrawing 100,000 troops from Iraq by June 30 and sending 2,000 troops to Mexico in time to protect drunk college kids during Spring Break. Alonzo Pena, Homeland Security attaché to Mexico, says that while bargain all-inclusive resorts in Cancun are safe enough with the constant surveillance by MTV camera crews, that special all-exclusive “super extra kidnapped by a drug cartel” deal might not work out so well for those visiting the border city of Cuidad Juarez.

Thursday: Officials at the Swiss zoo reported that the new baby hippo Farasi would not be euthanized and fed to tigers. I don’t know who the hell thought the Swiss zoo might kill a baby hippo and feed it to tigers, but that person is pretty messed up. Photos of other adorable baby animals who will not be fed to giants cats can be seen here (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23679187).

Friday: Google updated it’s Red Planet browser to include not only the latest updates from NASA’s Mars Odyssey spacecraft, but also historical maps from the 19th century showing the “canals,” and guided tours narrated by Bill Nye the Science Guy. Millions of work hours were lost as accountants and marketing directors everywhere turned to exploring Mars when they couldn’t decipher the new Facebook homepage layout.

Saturday: After all of the drama that took place this week, it was time for a fluff piece, so an LA judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan for no particular reason. This should get real fun, real fast. Also, it is one week until my birthday. I expect cake.

Rule The Second:

When serving as the lawyer for the wife in a high profile celebrity divorce case, do not challenge the husband to fight on camera and think you’re safe if said husband has a long and storied career beating up people on camera. The potential for getting your ass kicked is far too great.

Out.

Sunday, March 8, set your clocks forward from 2am to 3am. There will be no 2am on Sunday morning. There will only be a 1:59am and then a 3am. Your computer, cell phone, and cable box will do this automatically. Some coffee makers might even be programmed to help you out with this one. Chances are, though, your iHome and your car stereo won’t be so damn benevolent. Here’s a hint: your iHome has a little switch on the back to go from Standard time to Daylight Savings. To change the time on your car stereo you might need a ball point pen and your owner’s manual.

I tried to find a handy diagram that pinpoints exactly which parts of this country observe daylight savings time and when, but no such tool exists because the whole idea is retarded. Super sorry Benjamin Franklin, I know when you thought of this you were concerned about saving candles because there were only like four guys who made candles in the whole continent and candles smelled terrible because they hadn’t imported fragrance to the colonies yet, but any more this is just an day to make you feel terrible at math because you can’t figure out your flight schedule.

So, I’m watching Letterman last night and suddenly, the following man appears on screen:

Dude #1.

I look at him on Dave’s show, and suddenly realize who he reminds me of:

Dude #2

That’s right, folks. At some point, Bono became the younger brother of Robin Williams and we just didn’t realize it.

Admittedly, it was MUCH clearer how they look alike on the Late Show. Still, I never saw the resemblence until tonight. Wierd.

Out.

Rule The First:

If someone calls 911 because of a fast food issue, that person shall be deemed a fucking idiot. Such behavior shall earn scorn and derision, and shall be treated with such.

Example #1- In which a fucking idiot calls 911 three times because McDonald’s did not have Chicken McNuggets.

Example #2- An older example in which a fucking idiot calls 911 because Burger King did not fix a Western Bacon Cheeseburger to the customer’s preference, and wanted the police to enforce the proper burger preparation.

Out.