(Note: Any posts titled “State of Mind” from here on out will be posts on personal stuff or something that is about my life in general. Keep that in mind when you read them, or you can skip them altogether.)

I had my performance review the other day.

 I’ve been up here in The OKC now for 14 months, and I can’t say that all of them were shining examples of how my life could be excellent. Truth be told… a lot of it sucked.

It took me 8 months in fact to realize this, and that it was my own damned fault that this was the case. This is in fact why my midyear review was less than stellar.

The irony, of course, was that once I figured this out and once I got past the personal crapfest I was putting myself through (lest we forget the whole “Finley falls in love” debacle), things came together for me. I found myself at peace with my job, the people around me- including the girl in question, and myself.

So, the past 6 months have been much better. I am enjoying my time here a lot more, I’ve started being much more social, my career has flourished and I’m a lot happier. Not only that, but I’m even really good friends with the girl whom I accepted would be nothing more than a friend. By the by, if you can get to that level with someone you’re doing pretty damned good.

This led to the past two weeks, basically. It started with me looking for a new position. I found something here in The OKC that was a use of my previous job experience, and I applied. While doing so, I also looked at moving up in my own organization. Finally, I began training up here for a site conversion we’re undergoing.I’ve now had four interviews, three of which are for the job I applied for outside of my department. I had a really good interview with the manager in my department. It culminated with the best review I’ve had in years, with a very nice raise and the best bonus I’ll have ever received here at the Job.

And to think… all of this started because six months ago someone told me I needed to find what made me happy.

I’ve referred to my state of contentment as “the theoretical happy” a few times before with some friends up here. I call it this because of two reasons. Number one, as I kept myself unhappy for many years I had a little trouble providing myself with a frame of reference. When one wears discontent like a warm blanket for too long, it’s tough to get out of it. Number two, I call it this because for a while, I worried slightly that this new mindframe wouldn’t last.

I mean, this is me we’re talking about here. I kinda have a reputation for being miserable.

That being said, I found after a while that I wasn’t really getting unhappy. Oh, there are days where I’m not in as good a mood as I’d prefer. After all, I’m still human. But, there isn’t a continuous level of discontent coursing through my veins. I’m not living for the moodiness anymore.

Naturally, this scares the crap out of me.

Are you surprised? I mean, when one gets so used to a certain frame of reference the opposite frame of reference can throw that person. I found myself… smiling more. I was more pleasant to talk to, and I enjoyed more conversation and discourse. Hell, I was even fun to be around.

The really wierd part is, this started to show in the rest of my interactions with people. Things that used to bug me didn’t really bother me anymore. People that were waiting months for the other shoe to drop and for me to return to form found themselves getting used to this new outlook. Oh, I’d still get pissed if someone pushed the right buttons. The difference was, those buttons were far harder to push now.

And so, I find myself now where the theoretical happy is no longer theoretical. I’m happy, and it’s been that way for a while. I’m judging from other experiences that this is a good thing. Would I be happier in Austin were I still there?

Here’s the irony, folks- probably not.

Oh, I’d be okay to be sure. I’d just not have had the experiences required for me to change my outlook so drasticaly as I have. I still want to get back to Austin as soon as it makes sense- that has not, and will not change. I just know that being here was a necessary step for me and I’m not as regretful about moving here as I was at one time.

Now, I can return to Austin a more complete person. I’m really, finally ready to find that person who will complement my life in the way that many of us long for, and I know I haven’t met her yet.

I have a year to go before I can be back at the earliest. I’ll be ready.

Out.

[ratings] 

Tags: Personal_Stuff, som, State_of_Mind
Posted in Personal Stuff, State Of Mind |

This entry was posted on Monday, March 17th, 2008 at 11:47 pm and is filed under Personal Stuff, State Of Mind. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.