You knew it was coming, folks.

It’s that time of year where I blog about the entire awards show, so let’s get started after the jump.

7:30- The show starts with the usual preshow bluster and “whatcha wearing” stuff, followed by… a UPS truck being passed by a bunch of GI creations as well as.. Transformers? And other classic scenes and creations from the past 80 years. Not so bad, actually.

And Ahnuld’s driving the truck containing the awards- the closest he’ll ever get to them, I suppose.

7:32- John Stewart’s on, and never has someone been so happy the writer’s strike is over. Sure enough, he acknowledges it and announces this show as “the makeup sex.” Heh.

And he’s on already. Good line about the cancelled Vanity Fair party.

Good jokes so far, with the usual wit that one expects from John Stewart.

7:35- Possible line of the night already, talking about the violent movies up for Best Picture: “Does this town need a hug?”

And the shot of Julie Christie, whose chest really, REALLY needs to be covered up.

About Norbit’s Oscar nomination. “That’s good. Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.”

7:39- Mocking the political movies about Iraq by saying we should not withdraw from Iraq war movies. Awesome. Aaand, the political jokes are out, with John asking the crowd if they’ve studied all the candidates and determined which Democrat they will work for. Hee.

“Gaydolf Titler” shall now also be the name which I refer to Barack Obama by for a while, too.

7:41- Jennifer Garner, giving the award for Costume Design. Hawtsome. And the award goes to… Alexandra Byrne for “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” Not surprising, since they had to give that overblown piece of crap SOMETHING to acknowledge it at least looked pretty.

7:44- Please, dear God, let that be the only Streisand moment of the night.

7:49- Thanks to the jackass who got lost with my dinner tonight, I missed the beginning of the first clip piece of the night, self-congratulatory bit about people who have been at the Oscars. Bunch of dead peeps. Moving on.

John Stewart watching “Laurence of Arabia” on his iPhone while the clip piece is on. Heh.

7:51- Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell presenting Best Animated Feature. These two are Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 in the new “Get Smart” movie. Totally can’t wait. Steve acted as if this was “Best Documentary” and is freaking out when he learns the truth.

And the winner is… oh, SWEET! Ratatouille! Awesome movie, and so completely well done it blew away so many other movies this year. Brad Bird goes up, and is awesome in his speech.

7:56- Katherine Heigl is up- gorgeous (even if she smokes more than a smokestack in the 1880s) and nervous as all hell. She’s presenting for Best Makeup. And Norbit loses its one shot at Oscar with “La Vie en Rose” winning. Some annoying French guy wins, moving on. His makeup partner speaks as well, and DEAR GOD LADY OPEN BOTH YOUR EYES ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION.

8:00- Amy Adams is just freaking beautiful. Plus, she’s a hella good actress. I saw her first in a movie called “Psycho Beach Party” many years ago. She’s singing at least two songs tonight- given she performed them in the movie, it’s only fair (lest we have a repeat of Anne fuckin’ Reinking singing “Against All Odds” while Phil Collins watched in horror in the crowd).

Micheal Douglas with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oy… some of his wrinkles moved over to her eyes. Too sad.

8:06- John comes back from rbeak with a good line about what happens during the breaks.

And.. Duane “The Rock” Johnson is presenting! Holy crap! Dude may have in fact now arrived.

He’s presenting for best visual effects. Apropos. Please let Transformers win.

8:09- And the winner is… fuck. “The Golden Compass.” Next.

8:10- Cate Blanchett is up, and pregnant. I like her work, to be honest, but she does choose some overly uppity movies every so often. She’s presenting for Best Art Direction. “Sweeney Todd” wins. Meh.

I’ll be honest, I’m not that big on the show this year. It’s just… okay, I suppose.

8:13- John Stewart talking about Cate Blanchett’s range, where she played Bob Dylan, Queen Elizabeth, a dog in “No Country For Old Men” and… him, in fact.

There’s an introduction for Best Supporting Actor. Pretty cool, actually, complete with Cuba Gooding Jr’s win and exciting speech.

The presenter is Jennifer “Hey, I kinda remember her” Hudson. I’d like for Casey Affleck to win this, to go with the one his brother won a decade ago.

8:17- Hey, that was Dixie Carter! She still looks damn good 16 years after Designing Women went off the air.

8:18- Javier Bardem wins for “No Country For Old Men.” Not a surprise, but possibly a sign of things to come.

8:22- “I believe he told his mother where the library was.” Priceless, along with the tributes to Binoculars, Periscopes and bad dreams.

8:25- Keri Russel’s up to introduce another song. I’ve adored her since “Felicity’s”first season. gorgeous, and just a great actress.

I could give less of a crap about the song she’s introducing, but that would require a reworking of the laws of physics.

8:28- Owen Wilson’s up to present for Best Live Action Short Film. Dude tried to kill himself a few months back, so naturally he’s gold for presenting an award for his first public appearance back afterwards..

Another Frenchy won. Goody goody. Next.

8:31- Jerry Seinfeld presenting, as a bee. Dude, the movie was released months ago. Let it go. He’s presenting Animated Short Film.

They do one of these every year now, having an animated thing present an award and holding the envelope in front of its face to hide the name. “Peter and the Wolf” wins, which I can appreciate.

8:34- I’m thinking that they didn’t have much written for tonight with all of these damn clip pieces being shown.

Now here’s one for Best Supporing Actress. Alan Arkin presents- and if you’ve never seen the original “The In-Laws” then you’re missing out.

Cate Blanchett is getting a ton of press for her role as Bob Dylan, but the problem is she’s playing like a woman pretending to be a man, rather than as a man.

The winner is… shocker #1, Tilda Swinton. She’s a great actress, and I hear that this role was friggin’ awesome. When I see the movie, I’ll know for sure.

8:40- And I will forever love Tilda for her line about George Clooney wearing the nippled rubber Batsuit every day under his suit while filming “Michael Clayton,” combined with the coolness of Clooney playing along.

8:45- Jessica Alba. Y’know, I’d think she was hot if she didn’t seem so much like an uptight self-absorbed whiny-ass.

John comments that there are two pregnant women at the Oscars, “but the night is young and Jack is here, so we’ll retally at the end of the night.”

8:47- Josh Brolin and the lead from “Atonement” for Best Adapted Screenplay. He’s so good, I have no idea who the hell he is. (Kidding, I know he’s James McAvoy.)

I just hope Paul Thomas Anderson doesn’t win. Never liked that guy.

The Coens win. Steam is starting to build.

8:49- True chat moment #1:

pylorns187: dang
mstxrn22: waht
pylorns187: i was hoping for PYTA
pylorns187: PTA
pylorns187: paul thomas anderson
Fnliii: Not me. I hate that dude.
Fnliii: Post updated.
pylorns187: you dont get his movie
pylorns187: s
Fnliii: Well, when they all suck it’s kinda hard to get them.
Fnliii: I’m sorry, not all of them sucked.
Fnliii: Magnolia BLEW.

8:50- And now, we see get an inside look at how the Academy votes. Nice to see that mystery finally solved.

8:52- John intros Myley Cyrus the best way possible. Cute kid I suppose, but I just don’t get the whole fanaticism about her and Hannah Montana. I guess that’s because I have gray hair, age and a penis.

Kristen Chenoweth is singing now, and I Love This Woman. Great singer, great actress, and a total package complete with excellent, full, firm, luscious… song presentation.

What? I like her.

9:01- “Judi Dench and Halle Berry” are onstage. In truth, it’s Seth Rogan and the big dude from “Superbad.” Both look exactly the ame- overweight, hair too long and curly, and in need of a damn shave and shower.

They’re presenting Best Sound Editing. “Bourne Ultimatum” wins, and I’m pretty sure “Transformers” doesn’t have a shot in hell since it’s a Bay film, and since it’s based on a toy line that no one wants to acknowledge.

9:05- The two stay up, for Best Sound Mixing. I had no idea these were two different awards. And Transformers goes 0-3 tonight. Pretentions Hollywood assbags.

WHAAH!!!

Ahem… I’m good.

But what the hell is up with the dude in the tuxedo coat and Hawaiian shirt? Nice statement there, pal.

9:08- Man, Marlee Matlin REALLY went the wrong way there with the glasses back in the day.

And there’s Halle Berry, who was more than happy to accept the award for best Actress for “every faceless woman of color.” Meanwhile, her very Caucasian mother was sitting back saying “Excuse me?”

9:10- Lead Actress, presented by Forest Whittaker. I’d like the dude more if every time I saw him, I didn’t see “scientologist..”

Damn, it’s too bad that they chose that scene for Cate Blanchett. Even she was sitting there going “yeesh.”

I’d like Ellen Page to win, but likely not to happen.

I do likes me the Laura Linney and Ellen Page.

The winner is Shocker #2, Marion Cotillard. Not often do you see the dark horse win Best Actress. Honestly this was the most wide-open Best Actress race in years, but still this one is surprising.

9:17- We come back to John Stewart and the singer from earlier playing “Wii Sports tennis.” Awesome. And he was kicking her ass, too.

Colin “Man-whore Emeritus” Ferrell presents the fourth original song. Moving on.

9:23- Jack Fuckin’ Nicholson is up there now, talking about movies. He got out of the shades for this, I see. And, he’s presenting another clip piece honoring Best Pictures of years past. Here, we can see movies that earned awards where we can now say “what the hell?!?”

The funny part is, major studio releases in decades past would now be small art pieces from independent studios now. More an indictment of the modern studio system, I suppose.

Heh- I forgot about “Return of the King” winning that year. Awesome.

9:28- Renee Zellweiger is up to present Film Editing. And Bourne goes 3-3 so far in the techie awards. Nicely done, gentlemen and ladies. It’s a good movie, too

9:30- Bill Conti gets his props from John Stewart. And Nicole Kidman gets introduced, where you can only slightly see the bebbeh bump.

We see that there’s an honorary Oscar being given for a 98 year old production designer named Robert Boyle.

9:34- True Chat Moment #2:

pylorns187: lol untitled nicole kidman project
Fnliii: She’s starting to show.
mstxrn22: yep
pylorns187: yep
pylorns187: that is not to say that i wouldn’t still you know…
mstxrn22: oh, god
mstxrn22: she’s an ice queen
Fnliii: Oh, I’d hit it,
Fnliii: My wang would freeze off, but I’d hit it.
pylorns187: lol
mstxrn22: <– shaking my head
pylorns187: old bastard, they walk him out there…
pylorns187: “who are you people?”
pylorns187: “who am i?”
Fnliii: You can’t see, but he’s wearing hand warmers under his sleeve from where Nicole’s touching him.
pylorns187: “where am I?
pylorns187: and depends
pylorns187: undergarments
Beau Landaiche: This is going in the blog…

9:38- I was waiting for him to ask “where am I? Get off my lawn!”

9:42- Penelope Cruz is up. I’d hit it every day, twice on Sundays, in the Vatican, in the Pope’s throne with the staff and the hat! (that was for you, Beerslinger.) She’s presenting Best Foreign Film, which the submission from Austria wins.

9:45- Patrick Dempsey is up. He’s the epitome of “career comeback.” He presents the final song up for nomination tonight. This is the only one I could see being in top 40 rotation so far. Not a bad song, but definitely a Disney song.

By the way, nice ass on the redheaded dancer. Just sayin’.

9:48- John Travolta’s presenting best song. Someone needs to tell Travolta to cut out the Botox. His hairline’s retreating faster than the French because of it.

Shocker #3- Enchanted has three- THREE- songs up for Best song, and gets shut out by “Once” from the movie “Falling Slowly.” Somewhere in Hell, Howard Ashman is saying “You got screwed, Alan! BWAHAHAAAHAA!!!”

9:51- John Stewart on the very humble, very gracious singer who just won: “Wow. That guy is so arrogant.” Followed by the riff on Travolta’s airplane. Awesome.

9:56- Okay, this is kinda cool. John Stewart brought back the other singer to let her give her thanks.

9:57- And now I’m wishing he hadn’t.

9:58- Cameron Diaz is up. She’s one of those actresses that when you find out about her real life activities, you wish you could just have known the fantasy. Dirty girl, that one.

She’s presenting Best Cinematography, which goes to Robert Ellsworth for “There Will Be Blood.” Haven’t seen it, can’t say much.

10:01- We’ve broken onto the late hour, which means the “In memoriam” segment is up. Wait- Jack Valenti died? No shit. Hunh.

And the “big death” they show at the end- bigger than Ingmar Bergman, bigger than any other major force in film the last 5 decades… is Heath Ledger. That right there is what’s wrong with Hollywood. A guy who died of a drug overdose before age 30 gets a bigger “In Memoriam” than one of the definitive directors ever.

10:08- Amy Adams is back up, introducing pieces of music and presenting “Best Original Score.”

I’d like for Michael Giacchino to win, and of course I am wrong- “Atonement”’s score wins instead. Meh.

10:11- Tom Hanks gets introduced. He’s thinned down again, which is good. There’s very little that Tom could do that would go wrong. He presents troops from Baghdad, who present the nominees for Best Documentary. This is pretty damned cool of the Academy. These folks get some serious props, and some fame time. Sweet.

Hey, the winners of Best Short Documentary are hot!

10:14- But not hot enough that they don’t annoy the crap out of me.

10:15- Hanks presents for Best Documentary Feature. I hope to Christ that Michael Moore doesn’t win this one.

10:17- Oh, thank Christ. Plus we almost had a nip slip from the woman in white to the right.

10:20- Yup, we’re going over.

10:23- Could Harrison Ford read the prompter any slower? He’s presenting Best Original Screenplay. I’m betting Diablo Cody wins for “Juno.”

10:24- Not surprising, given the press she got. Diablo Cody was a stripper who wrote this movie after leaving the profession, and from what I understand she’s got a few irons in the fire.

You’ll probably never hear of her again.

10:30- Helen Mirren’s up to present her tits- I mean, Breast Actor- BEST Actor!

Boobies.

…

Ahem.

ANYWAY, this one is likely all locked up by Daniel Day-Lewis. That’s been the word for months now.

10:35- And the winner is, shockingly, Daniel Day-Lewis. Dude looks like a bad maitre’ d at a crappy restaurant.

But at least he thanked his wife, HILARY.

10:39- Another friggin’ clip piece, this one about directors.

10:40- Man, I still think about that shot of Jim Cameron winning Best director and think “What a dickhead.”

10:41- Scorcese is presenting Best Director. Fucking ay. Meanwhile, 3 6 Mafia is playing the Hoboken NJ Freddy’s Dance Club tonight.

The award goes to the Coens for “No Country For Old Men.” I’d bet real money it wins Best Picture.

The Coens have the best speech of the night with this one. “I have nothing to add to earlier, so… thank you.” They’re unusual guys, but talented as all hell.

10:44- Here we go. Denzel’s presenting Best Picture.

And the winner is… “No Country For Old Men.” There was a feeling all night about this one, and sure enough it wins. “Juno” would have been the big shocker of the night had it won, but this is not a surprise at all. And the last award also presents us the first “my partner” mention.

10:48- And we’re done. Not a bad show, but a bit much with the clip pieces. At the least though, the writer’s strike prevented us from too much anniversary self-fellating from the show. So, that I’m cool with.

Out.

Tags: Academy_Awards, Oscars
Posted in Uncategorized |

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