My life is a series of self-denials.
Every year for the month before my birthday, I look at my life and take stock of things. This year has been no exception, of course. With this year has not only come introspection, but an extrospection of sorts. Besides looking only at my life, I got some opinions from people on the outside.
The results were surprising, to be honest. Not surprising was that they said I never seemed happy, and that I needed to figure out how to improve my levels of happiness. Part of it is work- which, I’ll admit, was my own fuckup. For the last 7 months, I haven’t figured out what the hell I was supposed to do with my job. This is where the first denial comes in- I wasn’t willing to accept what I should have been doing, and instead focused on other things that made me feel like I was doing something but in fact were diversions from what I should be doing.
So, yeah… my bad on that.
The good news on that front is that I got my head out of my ass, and I’ve gotten a lot happier with my job. So, that’s one thing.
Then, there’s the other classic denial- pining from afar. Ever since I’ve started writing for Wetwired I’ve commented upon my unwillingness to pursue someone that I like. This year has been no exception, to a point. There’s a woman that, for the first several months I knew her I would skirt around the fact that I really dig her. Earlier in the summer, I wrote of how I decided not to pursue her.
That lasted about a month.
I decided that I was going to pursue her, but when I thought about it I knew I needed to be happy before I could be happy with someone else. She was actually the first to point out that I needed to find what made me happy, in fact. I credit her with being a true friend, since she opened my eyes in a way others had failed. I’ve started to be happier, and with that sense of being happy i’ve discovered an unexpected side effect. I’m not as determined to pursue her as I had been before this month.
I’m serious. In beginning to find what improved my happiness, I found out that I may have been depending on the idealization of her as what would make me happy as opposed to looking inward. I see her more as a friend now than anything, but I’ll also let her know that (instead of me pursuing her) if she wanted to go out with me at some point, I wouldn’t be opposed.
Then, there’s the other denial I had put upon myself. I’ve been trying to figure out what made me happy, and I realized that one thing that always worked as a catharsis was the one thing I had denied myself more and more of late. It’s something I’ve needed to really accept about myself, that I wasn’t willing to devote the time and effort towards.
I’m a writer.
There, I’ve said it.
I’m a writer. Be it fiction or on this blog, I enjoy the process of writing. I enjoy writing fiction more, but I gain a sense of pleasure out of writing here on Wetwired as well. I enjoy writing, but in the last couple of years I’ve really managed to cut it out of my life more and more.
I’m a writer that refused to let himself write.
…
Talk about self-denial.
Last night, i made the first step back into the water. I wronte a small piece for a writing game I’ve been involved in for over a decade- my first writing in nearly a year. This is my first real post on Wetwired for a few months. I’m a writer that needs to write.
This may be time to write the book I’ve wanted to write. I’ve had a few ideas in my head for a long time, and I think it’s time to do it. Getting published isn’t my goal, just to get them out of my head and onto the page.
I’m a writer, and realizing this has made me happier. Now, I know what makes me happy. It’s time to do it.
Out.
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