I’m awake at 1:30 in the morning.
This, in and of itself, is not unusual nowadays. I work a later shift here in The OKC than I did in Austin, and as such I’m getting used to odder hours.
The thing is, though, that I’m trying to go to bed earlier. Seriously, I want to be asleep by around midnight. Instead, I’m awake at 1-2 AM because my mind hasn’t said to my thoughts “Closing time, folks. You don’t have to go to bed but you can’t stay here. Last call, free booze…”
(Yes, I thought out that last sentence and said to myself it would be good to write out. Bite me.)
Instead, I’m awake with my thoughts.
One of them is trying to figure out what I want to do regarding a potential person of interest. I dig her, that’s for certain. Hell, she KNOWS I dig her and even seems receptive to my ham-fisted efforts at figuring out my feelings. For that matter, most people who know me and her know I dig her. My issue comes through whether or not I could take the next step forward. It doesn’t take a mind-reader to know I have issues with intimacy. Hell, I’m kinda known for it. Let’s face it- Quasimodo let more people in than I do.
The thing is, though… she’s in.
She one of the very few people I open myself to. She’s not on the level of Beerslinger or even Pylorns, but we’ve talkled about some pretty personal things. I don’t know how it happened, but I felt willing to open up a bit. There are things I’ve only hinted about on this site (my family, for example) that I’ve discussed with her.
So, I’m willing to open myself up to her. The question I have to answer is… how much do I let her in?
God, I suck at this whole… personal thing.
Even this is impersonal. Here I am, sititng at my laptop on a bed I sleep alone in, in a 2 bedroom apartment I live alone in, typing my thoughts out instead of openly sharing them with the person that matters.
On the bright side, I don’t think I’m a lost cause. Like I said, she knows I dig her mostly because instead of pining from afar (my greatest hit, right behind “Finley’s a cynic”) I’m actually talking to her. I’m not completely out in the open yet but I’m working on it.
So, I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.
I’ll open up to her completely, I’m certain. It may not be tomorrow, but it will happen. If I get rejected, then at least I can say I tried and go from there. That’s a definite improvement.
I feel like getting some sleep now.
Out.
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