Oscar Time Again.
posted by FinleyOscar night is here again, hence the running blog. No doubt this will be a long night, but I’ll suffer for my art once more. Read on…
POST SHOW NOTE: Overall, not a bad night. Ellen was pretty bad as a host, though. I don’t know who was writing for her, but her comedy efforts were flat and uninspired. The overall winners’ list, on the other hand, had to have been voted on by Sybil. I mean, nothing seemed to make sense… well, at least until Scorcese got the Oscar. That fucking rocked.
Read on, to see my thoughts as they happened on the show.
Out.
7:30- In theory, the awards are starting. Nifty little clip of Oscar nominees running, with Eddie Murphy being the best part of it.
7:45- so finally, we have out first award after the obligatory self-masturbatory effort by Hollywood to make the Academy Awards seem bigger than Jesus- complete with choir singing “Nominated, Hallelujah.” The Ice Queen Nicole Kidman and James Bond are up to announce the award. Pan’s Labyrinth wins, surprisingly, for Best Art Direction. Haven’t see it, though so I can’t say if it was deserved.
7:49- Don LaFontaine ad Gina Tuttle. In other words, the “In a World” voice guy and some lady. Whoopie.
7:51- Okay, that iPhone ad was cool.
7:53- I pretty much can’t stand most of Will Ferrell’s movies. He hasn’t grown as a performer since “Get Off The Shed!!!” That goes for Jack Black, doubly. Dude was only funny in “School of Rock.”
7:55- John C. Reilly, on the other hand, rocks. Plus, this little song is right- if ou’re a comedian who wants an Oscar, play a straight role that’s so outlandishly away from your real act. Or, y’know, play retarded.
7:58- The three are announcing Best Makeup. As a side note, Adam Sandler as a fat guy looks like Artie Lange.
The winner, in this case, is Pan’s Labyrinth. 2 for 2, already. Impressive. And the woman winner? Total hottie.
8:00- Okay, Abigail Breslin may have had the best line so far with “I have no idea” in response to what her father does for a living (The answer is some techie job.). She and Will Smith’s kid are presenting awards for Best Animated Short- and these kids are funnier in 20 seconds of real life than Will Ferrell and Jack Black were in 5 minutes of staged comedy.
8:03- Same kids, now presenting for Best Live-Action Short. The winner is “West Bank Story,” which looks to be the Palestinian-Israeli conflict as a comedy musical. Interesting id- Holy crap… Jack Nicholson looks SCARY bald.
8:05- Dude, lay off the caffiene next time you’re nominated.
8:06- Great, another video. 36 minutes in, and we have 3 awards and far too much filler already. This is going to be a long night.
8:13- Okay, as a diversion this is fricking cool.
8:14- Steve Carell, as opposed to the folks I mentioned earlier, is consistently funny and has more importantly grown as a performer. He’s with Greg Kinnear, another guy I find quite enjoyable as an actor. They’re presenting for Best Sound Editing, and “Letters Fron Iwo Jima” wins. Already, it’s been an odd night. None of these have been easily predictable wins.
8:17- Sound Mixing is up, and Jessica Biel…
Oh, DAMN…
The girl is fire-ass hot. Not only that, she’s… well… nipping out a bit. Never mind that she also has one of the finest hineys in Hollywood.
I’m going to need a moment here.
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8:17:30- Ahh, better.
8:19- “Dreamgirls” wins its first award tonight, for Sound Mixing. So, we get three old dudes instead of keeping the camera on Ms. Biel. There is no justice in this world.
8:21 Rachel Weiss is out, announcing the Best Supporting Actor award. Good god DAMN, she’s looking good too. Plus, nice presentation.
8:23- The award goes to… Alan Arkin. Well… THAT was unexpected. Eddie Murphy was considered the odds-on favorite tonight. Somewhere out there, Kevin Pollak is thrilled. Guess that means Abigail Breslin isn’t winning Best Supporting Actress, though.
8:25- Marty Scorcese pretty much always looks uncomfortable at these things. It’s as if he never wants to receive the accolades people want him to have. Either that, or he ate some bad clams.
8:27- The hot BBW girl from Grey’s Anatomy is hosting a Dove ad created by a normal person. Whoopty doo.
8:29- I do hope I’m not the only guy out there that absolutely loves “Men In Trees.”
8:30- James Taylor’s up, singing “Our Town” from “Cars.” Love the song, but they need to fix someone’s mic.
8:33- And now, it’s Melissa Etheridge singing “I Need To Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth.” Okay, I was gonna save this for later but I’ll say it now- “An Inconvenient Truth” is crap. It’s not a documentary, folks. It’s political messaging that is only slightly more a documentary than Michael Moore’s crap. On the other hand, I do like that the director’s managing to focus more on Melissa Etheridge more than the “environmental suggestions” on the back wall.
8:35- Who does Hollywood think is sexier, Leo DiCaprio or Al Gore? You decide.
Although, if Gore had the balls to announce a presidential run on the awards show tonight I might even have had to vote for him.
8:37- What the fuck does “The awards have gone green” mean? That’s bullshit.
I’m sorry, but I don’t watch these things to see people who are paid to read other people’s words spout off other people’s words as if these words are their OWN words, especially when said people don’t take the time to actually research the issues they’re spouting off on. There are a couple of Hollywood activists who I do respect, because it is clear that they are serious, that they’re not just serving as a receptacle for other people’s words and ideas and that they actually do show full investment into their thoughts and deeds. Believe it or not… that short list includes Angelina Jolie.
8:38- All that being said, his “presidential announcement” being cut off by the orchestra was fucking hysterical.
8:42- You’ll notice that I haven’t said much about Ellen’s hosting tonight. Trust me, there’s a reason.
8:43- Cameron Diaz is out to announce for Animated Feature. Girl is not made for High Def, folks. She’s got one of the worst complexions in Hollywood.
8:44- “Cars” got fuckin’ robbed.
8:46- Hey, it’s Affleck! We here at Wetwired have a sort of affection for Ben Affleck, due solely to the works of Mr. Kevin Smith. Sadly though, he’s here to introduce another friggin’ video.
8:49- Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks are out to announce for Best Adapted Screenplay. You may forget that Tom Hanks was once a comedic actor. That already puts him ahead of Sacha Baron Cohen.
8:52- Thank God, “Borat” didn’t win. “The Departed” did, however. Here’s the part to pay attention to though, folks. Watch and see which movies win the writing awards. They tend to point towards the most likely winners of Best Picture and on occasion, Best Director.
8:54- Y’know, for someone who is supposed to be on top of and in control of the language, this guy sure says “uhm” and “you know” a lot.
8:56- Wes Anderson annoys the piss out of me. Just Sayin’.
8:59- I’m sure that will be a great special and all, but… Bob Woodruff should never have been in Iraq. And now, we see Ellen again. Still, got nothin’ to say about her.
9:00 The hotness factor of this show keeps going strong with Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway is hot, but after seeing her in “Havoc” and in “Brokeback Mountain”… I’ll need another moment…
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9:00:45- Yes, I’ve done this joke twice now. Yes, I’ll possibly do it again later.
9:03- They’re giving away for Best Costume, which “Marie Antoinette” wins. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
9:05- Hey, it’s Tommy Boy! And he’s giving a humanitarian award to Sherry Lansing, former head of Fox and Paramount. No kidding on this one, this woman has done a LOT for the industry and earns respect in her field as well as in humanitarian goals.
That being said… possibly one of the more annoying voices I’ve ever heard. Although, pay attention there Tommy Boy. She’s talking about scientists who do real work to help people, not science fiction writers.
9:11- Mark this moment, folks. Ellen DeGeneres has done something funny here. The interplay with Spielberg and Eastwood is a great gag.
9:11:30- Go back to England, Gwyneth. You’ve managed to annoy the crap out of us low-class Americans the last few years, and we don’t really care to watch you speak.
9:13- Best Cinematography award, going to “Pan’s Labyrinth.” This is an interesting trend, here. Methinks this may continue.
9:16- Another dumbass “interpretive dance,” another chance for me to move on.
9:25- I had to hit the head, and when I come back Catherine Deneive and Ra’s Al Ghul are announcing a tribute to foreign films. Moving on.
9:29- Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett. She always looks sleepy to me. Best Foreign Film is up, and the winner is shocking: Germany’s “The Lives of Others.” After the run that “Pan’s Labyrinth” was making, I’m shocked.
9:33- “Snakes on a Motherfuckin’ Plane.” Awesome.
9:34- Y’know, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if a Class-A Horndog like Clooney tried to tag Ellen Degeneres. He’s here to announce Best Supporting Actress. The winner… Holy shit, it’s Jennifer Hudson! Good for her.
This is pretty cool for her, and I also have to say I love that a Reality TV reject has now won a friggin Oscar. So, bear this in mind folks- like Stewart said last year, Jennifer Hudson 1, 99.9 percent of all “legitimate actors and actresses,” 0.
9:42- Eva Green. See, here’s the problem I have with Eva Green. She is so unbelievably gorgeous, but she ALWAYS goes out of her way to make herself look worse. She was unbelievably gorgeous in “Casino Royale” and “The Dreamers,” but in real life she looks bad most of the time. So sad.
She announces for Documentary Short Subject, and some movie I’ve never heard of wins.
9:44- Jerry Seinfeld is out. He’s presenting for Best Doumentary Feature. He’s funny.
At least, that’s the theory. We’ll see.
9:46- I do like it when theories pan out.
9:47- See, why couldn’t he host one of these things?
9:48- And in a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming… “An Inconvenient Truth” wins Best Documentary Feature. Davis Guggenheim, congratulations. Now, go away.
Although, it is funny seeing so many Hollywood stars just nodding in vacuous, uninformed agreement.
9:50- Eastwood is up. That man is near 80 years old, and he can still kick the ass of anyone else in this world. Except for Jack Bauer, that is.
9:55- No bullshit on this one, I do love this guy’s work as a composer. But why, why, WHY the FUCK do they have Celine Dion singing?!?
This is why the Academy Awards tend to annoy the crap out of me. They cacn get so close to being cool, then fuck it up so royally.
10:01- So far as this crowd knows, he could be saying “Screw all you fuckers, You can all blow me” in Italian and they’d still clap like a bunch of assholes.
10:06- Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman. One of these two has long been rumored to be in a relationship with Salma Hayek. The other is married to a beautiful woman.
10:07- They’re up here to give out the award for Best Score. The winner for this one is “Babel.” Haven’t seen it, moving on.
10:10- This, once more, is why Jack Nicholson still defines “cool.”
10:11- Take a look at Tobey MaGuire and Kirsten “Snaggletooth” Dunst. I swear, once I saw that thing in pictures it ruined her for me.
They’ve got Best Original Screenplay, which goes to “Little Miss Sunshine.” This isn’t surprising, given the acclaim this movie’s gotten. It had to win one of the big awards.
10:22- Dreamgirls medley. next.
10:28- John Travolta and Queen Latifah. John says he loves full-figured women. Riiiiiight…
10:30- Best Song goes to… Shit. “I Need to Wake Up,” from “An Inconvenient Truth.”
10:32- Aaaaand, we’re officially running over on time. Maybe if there weren’t so many friggin’ montages…
10:34- A side note: I just got out of dealings with Verizon. I am so, so very happy that this is the case. More in another post.
10:35- And here we have the luckiest man in Hollywood, Will Smith. I mean that, too. Dude has a charmed life. Beautiful wife, great careers, and by all accounts a genuinely good guy. He’s introducing a look at America through the eyes of Michael Mann. Expect a Phil Collins song to pop up somewhere in this.
10:40- Okay, the “Naked Gun” scene was funny as hell.
10:41- Kate Winslet. 5 times nominated. Many more movies where I’ve seen her completely Full Monty. Rock on. She’s introducing Best Fim Editing, for which “The Departed” wins.
This year has been across the board on wins. There hasn’t been a single leading candidate for Best Picture based on total wins. This should be interesting, by the end of the night.
10:44- Jodie Foster’s out to introduce the “In Memoriam” segment. Be ready to see people you forgot died.
10:47- I’ll miss you, Mr. Scott.
10:49- They tend to save the biggest name for last, and Robert Altman certainly fit the bill.
10:50- I don’t know what this ad is for, but all these women in bras and panties? I’ll buy.
10:51- Mark this moment- the SECOND time Ellen’s been funny tonight. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is up to announce Best Actress. No clue who will win this one.
10:52- Don’t need a moment here, but Penelope Cruz is hot as hell.
10:53- The award goes to… Helen Mirren. Y’know, this makes sense. She’s playing a still-living figure and does so by completely immersing herself in the role.
Is it wrong, though, that I think she’s still amazingly attractive for her age?
10:56- After that pretentious little speech… comments on attractiveness withdrawn.
10:57- In the backstage area, Reese Witherspoon is seen standing by. I’ve never had anything for her, to be honest. She’s an average actress who looks alright, who’s only done well in two roles ever- June Carter and the annoying girl in “Legally Blonde.”
11:00- She’s vacuuming. What. The fuck.
11:01- Admittedly, Reese’s had a tough year. Divorce, after her husband has too much difficulty keeping his dick in his pants. She’s out to announce Best Actor. I’d bet Leo wins, with the accent put on and all.
11:03- Then again, it might be Peter O’Toole, with the “old guy” thing going for him.
11:04- And it goes to… Hunh. Forrest Whitaker. Odds are even he mentions Scientology in his speech.
11:06- What a load of crap, this speech. Yeah, acting can change the world. Good for you. Now, go away.
11:07- Up there, on stage, are three legends. Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. These guys were mavericks of their day. And, surprisingly, good at giving a joke.
They better be up there to give this one to Scorcese.
11:08- ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Suck it, Three-Six Mafia.
11:11- I’m glad they got the Old Guard in there to welcome him into the fold. That was a pretty cool moment, there.
11:12- Nicholson and Keaton, together again and thankfully both wearing clothes this time.
11:14- And Best Picture goes to… “The Departed.” And notice- Jack was infinitely cool in announcing this one. He opened it, took a second, and announced it without giving anything away. He is the MAN.
Well, that will pretty mucch wrap it up tonight. An interesting night, one of many surprises. Nothing really pissed me off, so that’s a plus. All in all, good times and noodle salad.
Out.
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