Airline comedy is black humor. That being said, its easy to poke at. I fly a lot so its easy to memorize the spiel that they announce prior to any flight.

To fasten your seat belt, insert the small end into the larger clasp, and to undo lift up like so.

In the event of a water landing…

Ok in the event of a water landing, kiss your ass goodbye. The chances of a plane actually not splitting apart and killing everyone are 10 to 1. The problem is the wings or the engine catch in the water, and yank the plane in one direction or another so at 200mph, the plane just flips over and pretty much yanks apart.

That being said, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.

that’s nice.

Slide your hands in the straps and hold close to your body.

Ok, so basically you’re going to put this seat cushion right up next to your chest and face. The same seat cushion that a thousand other people have farted on before you. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking that I’m going to be putting my face where a thousand other peoples asses have been.

In the event that the cabin depressurizes, oxygen masks will pop out from above you.

As if you weren’t scared enough, a jack in the box style yellow mask will pop out from above and scare the piss out of you, forcing you to shit your pants. Now, they are asking you to do the above, put your seat cushion to your face. Great, not only have a bunch of people squeezed out some fumes, you’ve just shit your pants on this cushion and you’re going to put it to your face.

Although oxygen is flowing freely, the bag may not inflate.

That’s nice, so basically it may or may not inflate, and the supply of oxygen may or may not be on!

Make sure you fasten your mask first before helping others.

Basically save yourself. Fuck the rest of them. But hey, that’s human survival.

If you are seated in an emergency exit area, please make sure that you are comfortable with opening the door.

Yeah I don’t think grandma can lift a 80lb door, fling it out of the way before I run her over. Oh well.

Many ask, how do you join the mile high club? Have you seen how big those bathrooms are? Yeah, basically the only way you can is if one of you is a gymnast. Me, I fly solo mile high club. I leave a present on the ceiling of the bathroom for the next guy. I’m always afraid that when I flush, the cabin will decompress and I’ll be sucked out by the toilet. What a way to go, “man dies - flushed down aircraft toilet, fell 30,000 feet to his death, pants still around his ankles.

So, what are my tips for air travel?

1. Reserve your flight early, you’ll get better boarding time.
2. Sit in the isle, window if you have to, but never the middle.
3. Have a small carry on that can go under your feet. One above you means you have to actually get up and pull it down, and you might have stuff fall on you. And it takes more time so you can’t get off the plane as quickly.
4. Get seats as close to the door as you can. That way you don’t have to worry about waiting for everyone in front of you to get off the plane first. If you’re like me, you hate waiting forever to file off slowly.
5. Wear clothing that has no metal. Wear sandles. With all the new security procedures, I try to be as hassle free as I can. I book non-stop flights so I don’t have to worry as much about lost luggage and I wear shorts, shirt and thin soled sandles. I check my bags, and have a laptop as a carry on, strut right through security without a hitch and am off the plane almost as soon as it stops at the gate.
6. Don’t drink anything prior to the flight. There is nothing worse than to have to get up 10 times over the course of a 2 hour flight to drain your bitty bladder. If they offer you a drink on the flight, that’s fine, just remember drink it slowly.

Tags: Christmas
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