Have you guys heard anything about it? Well the fella’s over at Zug.com have. They made a point to call about the toy that comes in the adult happy meal. Why didn’t I think of this..
I was so confused by this whole experience that I made the following prank call to McDonald’s.
McDONALD’S: Thank you for calling McDonald’s, this is Alberto.
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi Alberto. My two-year-old got a Happy Meal recently, and for his toy he got this little Stepometer designed by Oprah’s personal trainer.
McD: Okay … right.
JH: This has got to be the worst toy ever. It’s just no fun at all.
McD: Right, and I do apologize for that experience, sir.
JH: It’s, like, the anti-fun. It’s like a Nazi toy.
McD: That’s not the correct item that you received. That toy is designed for the Adult Happy Meal.
JH: [Lasciviously] So it’s an adult toy? Well, why didn’t you say so!
McD: [Laughs nervously] It’s … ah, it’s meant to go into the Adult Happy Meal.
JH: I’m sorry, my cellphone connection is breaking up, Alberto. I thought you just said “Adult Happy Meal.”
McD: That, ah, that is correct, sir. This is a new promotion that we just started, that will be running through the next month or so.
JH: I don’t understand. You’re putting an exercise toy in a box full of fried food?
McD: As I said, sir, this was a mistake, and I do apologize for that.
JH: Are you guys saying my kid is fat?
McD: Sir…
JH: Because he is actually quite skinny for his age. That’s why he’s eating at McDonald’s, to bulk him up.
McD: [Firmly] Sir. That was an error on the part of the employee, as I said. Now, if you’ll give me your address, I’ll be happy to send you out another toy.
JH: Well, here’s the thing. Somehow my kid thinks this is a toy, so I’ve been encouraging him to follow the program. Now, Oprah’s trainer says to increase his average steps by 500 steps a week, but I think he’s walking too much. He’s up to about 9,500 steps per week now.
McD: Your two-year-old?
JH: Right.
McD: Up to 9,500 steps a week?
JH: Yeah. And his feet are starting to bleed.
McD: [Long pause] His feet are starting to bleed?
JH: Well, you know, he’s got blisters, and they’re starting to ooze a clear fluid. It’s not really blood, but it’s tinged with blood, which is why I’m getting concerned. I don’t think toddlers are meant to walk so much.
McD: Sir, that’s probably something you’re going to have to ask your doctor, as far as any growth or medical issues are concerned.
JH: But I’m following your exercise program.
McD: Right, but we’re not in a position of giving out medical advice.
JH: Wait a minute … [leafing through booklet] … there’s a note that says this was “proudly developed in cooperation with the American College of Sports Medicine.”
McD: …
JH: That’s medical advice, right?
McD: Ah, what I can assist you with is getting out a new toy to your address. Now, can I have your address so we can…
JH: Also, he’s vomiting.
McD: [Extremely long pause] Again, sir, I cannot give you any advice on that. What I can do is send you out a replacement toy, if you’d like, but you’ll have to consult a doctor for those issues.
JH: [Long sigh] Could I have the number for Oprah’s personal trainer? Do you think he could help?
McD: Have you been to the Web site www.goactive.com, sir?
JH: No, I don’t have a computer. I lost it.
McD: You lost it?
JH: In the divorce.
McD: Oh.
JH: Got the kid, lost the computer.
McD: Well, if you can get access to a computer, you can log on to the Web site and send e-mail to Bob Greene.
JH: Do you think he’ll respond by the weekend? Because we have a wedding to go to.
McD: You can send him e-mail, and what I can do is send you out the toy.
JH: Again with the toy. I appreciate the offer, but I’d really like an entire Happy Meal.
McD: Well, we can…
JH: I like the Chicken McNuggets with scrotum sauce.
McD: [Another long pause] Sir, I’m going to have to end this conversation now. I have many other calls coming in, and I am going to have to terminate this call.
JH: All right, I’ll take the toy.
McD: Could I have your address?
[I give him my address.]
McD: All right. Thank you for calling McDonald’s, Mr. Hargrave.
JH: Hey, Alberto?
McD: Yes, sir.
JH: Don’t forget the scrotum sauce.
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