So I’m sitting in a bar and in walks blitzen, one of Santa.s reindeer.

“Hey I’m Blitzen, and I need to get blitzed!”

The bartender pours him a shot of Patron which he downs immediately and asks for another. After 8 shots he looks at me in a drunken haze.

“(hic) Who are you?”

“I’m pylorns”

“That’s a stupid name.”

“What are you doing here when you should be helping Santa? It’s Christmas eve.”

“Santa got drunk, passed out on the sleigh and puked all over the toys. There won’t be a Christmas this year.”

“You have got to be shitting me. You’re telling me that Santa is out like a light?”

“Yeah, and the presents smell like a raccoon crawled up someone’s ass and died. I didn’t know the old man could projectile hurl.”

“So there is no backup plan?”

“Nope.”

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Crashed into the dumpster out back..”

“Take me to him.”

“(hic) Bartender, a shot for the..” Blitzen started to say, but passed out as he fell off the stool and hit the floor with a thud. His eyes turned to little ‘x’s and his tongue shot out, cartoon style.

I went out the door and turned to the right, going around the back of the bar. Sure enough a sleigh, and 7 reindeer bruised, banged up and a fat guy in a Red Suit, all strewn across the back alley.

I walked up to the sleigh and looked in; puke everywhere. In the dumpster Santa lay completely passed out. I slapped him across the face “Santa!” I yelled. “Wake up damnit.”

(thrrrrummmpp) Santa let one rip in his sleep. For the love of god it was horrible. “Santa you smell like ass.” I said as I slapped him again across the face. It didn’t work.

“Hey you damn reindeer, what the hell do you do when the old man gets drunk?”

“We take him home and sober him up, but we don’t have time tonight.”

“Oh come on.. this is nutz. Help me get the big guy into the bar, I’m sure the bartender has something to roust him.”

The reindeer helped me pick him up and get him into the bar. First we got the bartender to make what he liked to call “gutshaker.”

“Now you may want to get him to the bathroom soon after we get this down his throat. That bowl full of jelly is gonna explode.” The bartender said.

Sure enough, soon as the drink/toxic substance touched his mouth, he was awake.

“Where the fuck am I? Oh shit.. I feel sick!”

“Come on Santa, let’s get you to the restroom.” I said as we rolled him on the barstool to the restroom.

“Shit.” The men’s room was closed. There was only one alternative, the ladies room.

“Hello, is anyone in here?” I yelled as I cracked the door open.

“Yes! Don’t come in!”

“I’m sorry we have a drunk Santa and the men’s room is closed we’re coming in, just thought we’d warn you.”

“NO! DON’T COME IN!”

Too late.

“Oh my.. god..” I looked at the stall and there were two women completely naked obviously engrossed in each other. Santa’s eyes bulged, the reindeer all stopped to look. It was like time just stood still for a moment; paused if you will, so that we could take in the scene.

“Wow,” Rudolph said.

“Blaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Santa puked. And it was the projectile puke that went towards the ladies.

“EWWWW, that’s so nasty!” They said as they stopped and grabbed their clothing.

“Don’t leave on our account.” I said.

“We’re outta here, that’s disgusting.” They said as they slipped a little on the puke walking out.

“Damnit Santa, every time you get drunk, you screw up our opportunities.” Rudolph yelled.

You wouldn’t even know what to do with it even if you could,” Santa groaned.

“Ok.. ok enough already, Santa are you ready to get out of there an on with the gift giving?” I asked.

“Yes, I suppose. Fucking elves spiked the punch again.”

And with that we got Santa back out to the sleigh and the reindeer all hooked up.

“We’re missing a reindeer!” Santa yelled.

“Oh shit. Blitzen.” I said as I ran into the bar. Luckily he was up standing around, or rather stumbling.

I got Blitzen back to the sleigh and tied up. He promptly vomited on the snow.

“On dasher, on dancer, on cupid, on Blitzen.. holy crap” and I thought I could projectile vomit?”

And that was how I saved Christmas.

I have always liked photography, the ability to capture the world around you in pictures. I don’t know if you guys have ever looked at this guy. But do. He has a unique way of capturing lines and perspectives.

This week is a holiday week. The work environment winds down to nothing, people go home to their families. Aside from the Commercialism of Christmas that we are reminded of on a daily basis by Target Commercials, we still find a way to give thanks and to enjoy our time with our families. Myself, I

It’s been awhile, but I’m finally back from India and reasonably settled. Here are some haikus for your seasonal enjoyment.

Bounding down the stairs,
Eyes alight in wonderment…
What has Santa left?

Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh…
Stopped by traffic cop.

Icicles twinkling.
Colorful lights are dancing.
Presents sit waiting.

Instead of cookies,
what Santa really wanted…
Heated seat warmer.

Across from Company X is a little piece of Heaven: Cold Stone. The Mud Pie Mojo is an amazing creation of coffee ice cream, peanut butter, Oreos, chocolate fudge, whipped cream, and almonds.

I get down on my knees and beg Big Daddy for the creamy greatness. The sweet and salty flavors blend in perfect harmony, and it makes me scream with delight.

Big Daddy loves to pleasure me, so I get some pretty often. When I weigh 600 lbs, you

Do you believe in Santa Claus? Movies such as Miracle on 34th Street show us all the reasons to believe. True virtue and goodness are exhibited in Santa Claus. He is a kind man who loves unconditionally. He represents childlike faith and pure happiness. Santa Claus helps us believe that wishes come true.

When I was little, my mom took me to get my picture with the Santa at Northpark in Dallas every Christmas. Now, I take Joseph to get his picture with Santa. This is the joy of the season and one of many family traditions of this time of year.

I love how family traditions are most evident around the holidays. People celebrate this time of year differently, which makes it a very exciting time. Happy Hanukkah to those who begin celebrating your traditions tomorrow!

For us, Christmas traditions also include the baby Jesus in the manger. Our Nativity scene is out in our living room with our Christmas tree. In my family, Santa comes on Christmas Eve, but before we open gifts Christmas morning, we go to Church to say Happy Birthday to Jesus. I love the traditions we celebrate in the Catholic Church; the same ones that our great-grandparents practiced decades ago, and we will share with our son, Joseph.

So, Merry Christmas to all of you who are preparing to celebrate Christmas on Thursday! Happy Kwanzaa to you all next week! May those celebrating the Winter Solstice on the 21st have a fun-filled occasion! To those who are agnostic or atheist, happy vacation days off work!

Embrace the differences in others. Encourage others? celebrations. Believe in Santa Claus.

A lot of you know about my time travel experiment accident gone awry. What you didn’t know is along the way I ended up in the future and was witness to the beginning of the end.

Today, I bring you bad news. On January 1st, 2004 at 12:01am, the end of the world will happen. Now what is interesting is that it happened 12:01am CST. I’m thinking God must be on central time. I mean, who goes by GMT time line anyway? Hell, who uses the metric system? OK.. so everyone other than the US… but still…

Now you’re asking why I didn

We made it to Friday again. As opposed to not making it and the Apocolypse coming…

Unfortunatly the people that do the scheduling here where I work are complete morons. That and to cut costs for the 4th quarter, they are cutting back everything including overtime. So last week I got an email stating that my Saturday shift was canceled and my Sunday shift was not. Today, a day before the weekend I get an email stating, “oh no, your off Sunday and working Saturday now.”

You have got to be kidding me. And they ask me why I would leave such a wonderful company. Because this is the cheapest freaking company to work for. Even techs in other countries get paid less than surrounding companies.

Don has finnally made it back into the land of the living. I’m thinking of starting a campain, a get Don laid campaign. It is the only way to get him to shut his mouth about his missing his x’s. Anyway, more on that later.

Not that I am trying to point anything out to Robyn about Hillary, but Mike the Marine, brings up an interesting point about her opinion.

Suggested reading for today: The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy.

It

A lot of you know that I

Well, someone has to do it. Robert points out link fest heven. He left good ole wetwired out, but wait, I hadn’t posted anything yet…

Actually, I’m too lazy today to post mine, and since Don is gone, someone has to take over…

I don’t know about you, but I am ready for the weekend. Sure, it’s Christmas time and things are slowing down, but damnit , work just gets suckier every day. You know when Peter Gibbons in “Office Space” says that every day at work is the worst day of his life. Yeah, it’s almost that bad. Aside from that, we have yet another new writer, this time, (gasp) a woman.

Yes, for 3 years, the site has never had a woman writer on the front page, not by choice mind you, just we never had the oppertunity. So Rockin Robyn will be posting on the front page with her thoughts etc, and hopefully she’ll shed some insight in the male dominated wetwired. God help you. No, really, we think it’s going to be very nice having her on board. One good thing is that she is an editor , so maybe she can fix all our…or specifically my typos…

Stop buy and pic up some of this from Bath and Body works..heehe

This one is evil dave. It’ll be added to the graphics of the page when i do the redesign.

Evil Dave