So I’m sitting in a bar and in walks blitzen, one of Santa.s reindeer.

“Hey I’m Blitzen, and I need to get blitzed!”

The bartender pours him a shot of Patron which he downs immediately and asks for another. After 8 shots he looks at me in a drunken haze.

“(hic) Who are you?”

“I’m pylorns”

“That’s a stupid name.”

“What are you doing here when you should be helping Santa? It’s Christmas eve.”

“Santa got drunk, passed out on the sleigh and puked all over the toys. There won’t be a Christmas this year.”

“You have got to be shitting me. You’re telling me that Santa is out like a light?”

“Yeah, and the presents smell like a raccoon crawled up someone’s ass and died. I didn’t know the old man could projectile hurl.”

“So there is no backup plan?”

“Nope.”

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Crashed into the dumpster out back..”

“Take me to him.”

“(hic) Bartender, a shot for the..” Blitzen started to say, but passed out as he fell off the stool and hit the floor with a thud. His eyes turned to little ‘x’s and his tongue shot out, cartoon style.

I went out the door and turned to the right, going around the back of the bar. Sure enough a sleigh, and 7 reindeer bruised, banged up and a fat guy in a Red Suit, all strewn across the back alley.

I walked up to the sleigh and looked in; puke everywhere. In the dumpster Santa lay completely passed out. I slapped him across the face “Santa!” I yelled. “Wake up damnit.”

(thrrrrummmpp) Santa let one rip in his sleep. For the love of god it was horrible. “Santa you smell like ass.” I said as I slapped him again across the face. It didn’t work.

“Hey you damn reindeer, what the hell do you do when the old man gets drunk?”

“We take him home and sober him up, but we don’t have time tonight.”

“Oh come on.. this is nutz. Help me get the big guy into the bar, I’m sure the bartender has something to roust him.”

The reindeer helped me pick him up and get him into the bar. First we got the bartender to make what he liked to call “gutshaker.”

“Now you may want to get him to the bathroom soon after we get this down his throat. That bowl full of jelly is gonna explode.” The bartender said.

Sure enough, soon as the drink/toxic substance touched his mouth, he was awake.

“Where the fuck am I? Oh shit.. I feel sick!”

“Come on Santa, let’s get you to the restroom.” I said as we rolled him on the barstool to the restroom.

“Shit.” The men’s room was closed. There was only one alternative, the ladies room.

“Hello, is anyone in here?” I yelled as I cracked the door open.

“Yes! Don’t come in!”

“I’m sorry we have a drunk Santa and the men’s room is closed we’re coming in, just thought we’d warn you.”

“NO! DON’T COME IN!”

Too late.

“Oh my.. god..” I looked at the stall and there were two women completely naked obviously engrossed in each other. Santa’s eyes bulged, the reindeer all stopped to look. It was like time just stood still for a moment; paused if you will, so that we could take in the scene.

“Wow,” Rudolph said.

“Blaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Santa puked. And it was the projectile puke that went towards the ladies.

“EWWWW, that’s so nasty!” They said as they stopped and grabbed their clothing.

“Don’t leave on our account.” I said.

“We’re outta here, that’s disgusting.” They said as they slipped a little on the puke walking out.

“Damnit Santa, every time you get drunk, you screw up our opportunities.” Rudolph yelled.

You wouldn’t even know what to do with it even if you could,” Santa groaned.

“Ok.. ok enough already, Santa are you ready to get out of there an on with the gift giving?” I asked.

“Yes, I suppose. Fucking elves spiked the punch again.”

And with that we got Santa back out to the sleigh and the reindeer all hooked up.

“We’re missing a reindeer!” Santa yelled.

“Oh shit. Blitzen.” I said as I ran into the bar. Luckily he was up standing around, or rather stumbling.

I got Blitzen back to the sleigh and tied up. He promptly vomited on the snow.

“On dasher, on dancer, on cupid, on Blitzen.. holy crap” and I thought I could projectile vomit?”

And that was how I saved Christmas.

Tags: Christmas
Posted in Uncategorized |

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