A lot of you know that one of my favorite holidays is Christmas. What you don?t know is that one time I was brutally assaulted, gagged and hog-tied by Santa Claus. Yes, impossible as it may seem, that fat bastard has a temper like Bobby Knight when he locks his keys in his car and one night when visiting, I got on the naughty list. Actually, he started it, but that?s besides the point.

I was at home alone a couple Christmases ago watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, when I heard this horrible noise on the roof. Not knowing what to think, I grabbed my flash light and threw the front door open looking to the street. Nothing.

“Hmm, what the hell could have made that noise?” I thought.

I walked down the sidewalk to the driveway and looked up, and low and behold it was a freaking lunatic dressed in a Santa suit, sleigh, and 8 or so anorexic reindeer.

“Santa, your reindeer must be bulimic,” I yelled up.

“No, they are pissed off this year because I didn’t take them to Hooters after the last run.”

“You take your reindeer to Hooters?” I asked.

“Of course, but there is nothing worse than a drunken reindeer. Last time, we got thrown out after Donder skewered one of the waitresses when he got too excited over the wings.”

“Damn. Well answer me this, what the hell are you doing on my roof when I have no chimney?”

“What? No chimney? Damnit to hell, what type of housing community is this?”

“A good one.”

“Could have fooled me.” Santa said with a pissed off look.

“Hey now Santa, don’t go dissing my roomies house. You try to find a decent priced house in Austin.”

“Look, this house is like the projects compared to the other neighborhood I was just at.”

“You fat fuck!” I yelled as I grabbed some of his sash from his suit. I yanked his fat ass off the roof and he bounced like a bowl full of jelly as he hit the ground.

“I’ll kill you, you ungrateful punk!” He screamed as he rolled over and got up.

I quickly assumed the jujitsu stance, held my hand out and did the universal sign for “bring it.”

For a bearded old fat guy, he moved with lightning speed. Before I knew it I was doubled up and a boot came to my face, then a toy bag hit me over the head.

(Knocked out)

I came to inside my house tied down, gagged, and the reindeer were drinking my roommates bottle of JD. Blitzen looked over at me and sneered. Donder was sitting next to me and told me that it’d be all right once Santa cooled off.

“mmmph,” I mumbled.

“What? What are you trying to say?” Donder asked.

“mmph”

“Oh, sorry old chap. Here.” Donder said as he pulled the gag out.

“Where is Santa?”

“He’s in the shitter.”

“What?!?! He’s dropping the kids at the pool In my bathroom?!?”

“Hey, when you gotta go you gotta go.” Donder said sheepishly.

(flush)

“Ahhhh, I’m about 20lbs lighter.” Santa said. Hey, who ungagged you?”

I had worked out of my restraints and jumped up. Santa was caught off guard and didn’t see my foot coming. I kicked him so hard in the nuts, he fell over screaming about his children.

“What do you think about that? Come and drop a bomb in my bathroom will ya?”

“Cough ok.. ok.. you win.. I give up..”

“That’s more like it. I should press charges for you trespassing, and then assault and battery when I am within my rights to defend my house.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“No, but I should. Now leave your gifts and take your drunken reindeer and get out of here.”

“Come on Donder. Blitzen, put that bottle down. Rudolph, how many times do I have to tell you to lay off the eggnog, you know it give you the squirts!”

“That’s more like it,” I said.

“Look buddy, I’m sorry I insulted you about your home, my life has been pretty crappy and all with the misses going through that time of the month”

“Ok Santa, I’ll accept your apology.”

And with that, the fat angry bastard flew off in his sleigh with the 8 anorexic, drunken reindeer.

“Merry Christmas to all, and too all a good night.”

Tags: Christmas
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